the arT farT

photo

2009-06-14T14:13:00.001+08:00

visions imaginable 'three'

the soul casts no reflections

clubbing and the sortss...

2009-06-13T15:42:00.002+08:00

i take it back.
clubbing isn't all that bad.
if it's at the right place with the right kinda crowd and with sufficient amounts of alcohol.
attica anyone?
butterfactory NO N.O. NO!

so what else have i been up to..

nothing.
still jobless.
and i suspect i shall remain so this entire holidays.
BUM. SLACKER. BEGGAR.
i've also depleted my savings account entirely after my last online shopping spree.
now surviving purely on dad's charity..
feel so utterly useless and dependant.
living is hard.

shall entertain myself by exercising.
hopefully i can admire and swoon at my own muscles soon.

also into the whole boho look.
belize is influential.
i'm random.

NO NADAL NOOOOOOOOO!!!

2009-06-01T00:35:00.003+08:00

OMG!?!?!?!

NADAL LOST AT FRENCH OPEN?!?!?!?!?!

AND IT'S NOT EVEN AT QUARTER FINALS YET?!?!?!?!?

AND TO THE ASSHOLE WHOSE NAMES SOUNDS LIKE A LAUNDRY DETERGENT!?!?!?!?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!??!?!??!?!?!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

sob sob sob sob sob sob

nadal.....

bored and in need of great job

2009-05-28T09:37:00.003+08:00

job hunting.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.yawn yawn

hunting for a job is tough

it's sian

it's frustrating

especially for an impatient person such as meself

good thing i have trip planning to occupy my thoughts

trip planning.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.faint faintx

planning a trip is tough

it's complicated

takes forever

it's FRUSTRATING

but it'll all be worth it - it better be

i should consider a future career as a travel agent

i have the urge to reprimand some ppl

speakable visions 2

2009-05-23T22:36:00.004+08:00

visions imaginable 'two'

casualties of war

speakable visions 1

2009-05-22T23:21:00.006+08:00

visions imaginable 'one'

go where the wind takes you

bud's first time in sentosa

2009-05-22T20:29:00.005+08:00

Yesterday i brough buddie to sentosa with my brother, raymond, junior(ray's dog) kenny and sara. It was super great! Buddie's never been so far from home. hehe..and he was super excited and confused at the same time. we were in the car for quite a while and everytime we stopped at a light, he would have his confused anxious face on. SO CUTE!

So finally reached sentosa and got down to business. goal was to get buddie in the water to swim. and we did accomplish it somewhat...though we had ta force him in. and he looked so scared. after the first time raymond pulled him in against his will, he was scared to let ray touch him for a while after that - but he got over it. =D good thing he had junior there for 'moral support'. =D

that's raymond and junior

buddie was so cautious going in

crossed the sentosa bridge and climbed the tower

you have no idea how long it took to get this picture..they just wouldn't keep still!

good friendsss - buddie and junior / 'juju'

paddle paddle paddle

run run run

ok! that was a super fun day. =D buddie had such a great time i could tell. he was so energetic and happy. of course he woke up this morning and refused to move. refused to come to you when u call. refuse to even lift his head..lol. but of course he still found the strength to bark at the postman. oh well

oh...LOOK OUT FOR JELLYFISH AT PALAWAN BEACH!!!

nepal!

2009-05-13T12:56:00.017+08:00

HI everybody!

"Guess who's back?
back again..

Cat is back!

tell a friend..."

I've been on blog strike for a few months now - don't really know why. but i'm supposing it's because life had been so mundane during the term - and also cause i'm lazy. =P

snake + cat = pig
(go figure)

Anyway, promised a coupla ppl i would start up again once summer break starts. so here i am.

i shall blog about my trip to NEPAL!!! the moment exams ended on may 4th(though i was pretty much in holiday mood WAY WAY WAY before that), we packed up and shipped ourselves off ta Nepal~~ which btw 'i'm in love with'..it may not be a garden city, definitely not clean and green, metropolitan or global bla bla bla yadder yadder yadder, but it has a certain charm. there's a surreality about being there which is captivating, seductive, enchanting... BUT that's just me (and i'm weird).

so let me not talk 'day by day', it'll take too long and i'm lazy --

Culture

Culture in nepal is extremely laid back - service is 'slow' (by singaporean standards), and a lot of the time ppl just sit around doing nothing, especially outside the main city. it's kinda cool. school also starts only at 10am and ends around 3 or 4 in the afternoon..same for office workers..crazy ain't it.

that's their table tennis table! with rocks as the net.

about the cows..nepal is apparently mostly buddhist and hindu populated - so u've got cows everywhere! roaming the streets (like they own it) they'll sit in the middle of the road watchinig the world go by, sometimes they'll just sleep there - ''who cares about traffic rite..cars dun bother me''. of course..because nobody there dares to hurt the precious beasts - god forbid we scratch their delicate hides much less smash them to mulch with our metal vehicles.. *rolls eyes.

Traffic

Traffic is miserable throughout nepal..mostly due to the fact that they don't have any kind of traffic rules - other than which direction of traffic generally moves on the left or right of the road. there are no traffic lights, no signalling, no 'who has the right of way' bla bla bla. even in the city centre! so ou can only imagine the chaos. The 'horn' is also used WAY too much. in singapore, if u get horned it means..."u're an idiot doing something stupid'', over there, the horn is like..a popular accessory of the vehicle, activated whenever for no particular reason, mostly to say, ''i'm coming whether u like it or not, so get out of my way''. did i also mention how annoying the horns sounds. it's all the TATA trucks..their horns have tunes...damn loud and they scare the shit out of the unexpecting tourist walking innocently on the side of the road..

Tata truck - the horn sings..

but i must say, they have extremely talented drivers over there who are able to weave in and out of traffic like it was nothing...they can be driving through cars with a foot of leeway and not ever bang or scratch another vehicle..it's amazing. =P if think u're a good driver in singapore....try going over there and drive...i predict imminent and eventual Deafness..or 'deathness'.

Also, don't ever count on exceeding 100km/hr on nepalese 'highways'. when we were on our way to kathmandu from pokhara, we saw the sign which said..kathmandu-190km. so mum dear was calculating in her head...+x-=..."oh so that should take like 2 hours?" XXXWRONGXXX 'u think we're traveling on the north south highway?!???'..it took 5 hours..

Nargakot

ok. enough bitching. All the stuff with traffic and cows...really wasn't unpleasant at all. it was intriguing and interesting. =) so anyway, we spent our first night in Nargakot which is about 2 hours from kathmandu on highlands..slightly higher than cameron highlands. so it was awesomely cold.. Nargakot is prized for awesome sunrise and sunset views, because u can see the mountain ranges in the distance. hehe. it was great~~though...couldn't really see the mountain clearly due to fog..and clouds.

but the first sight of the snow capped mountain - even if it wasn't crystal clear...i can't explain the feeling..closest i can find..is that it was magical..mystical, and so utterly thrilling..could stare at it for days on end.

walking around the hotel compound

puppies playing with a dead rat..tsk tsk.

sunset:

sunrise:

Rafting
went rafting on our way to pokhara. felt so incredible bad because the group of ppl who were supposed to be on the same raft waited 2 hours for us to get there. but we really didn't know we were late..or that there were ppl waiting. haish. PAISEH! none the less..we put on our gear and got on the raft =P 3 hours of river and rapids..so fun!!! *squealllll** it was a very hot day but the water was so cool, everytime it splashes you it was like sooo 'shuang'. so we all got seriously tanned and burnt but didn't feel it..that's the best way to get a tan. =D

stopping for lunch..

my only complaint is that i didn't get to jump into the water when everybody else did..because my parents didn't want to..and i wasn't about to jump in and float around by myself while everybody else was in their hehehaha groups.. haish...just one of the 'wet blanket' moments of the trip..how i wished that my bro was there...or like a couple of friends..rar rar rar.

super super super want to do rafting again!!! more violent rapids would be cool too. heard in winter the water level is higher so it's more exciting!!!

Pokhara

Finally reached pokhara. nice little town =) popular tourist destination cause of the view of the ANNAPURNA HIMALAYAN RANGE. which is like a subset of the whole thing. hehe. went to our hotel which is called 'fishtail lodge' (named after the fishtail peak in the range - cause the peak looks like a fishtail - obviously) Funny thing about the hotel was that it was separated from the 'mainland' by a narrow portion of fewa lake, so everytime ppl wanted to go to and from the hotel to the main area of pokhara, they had to get on this raft thing and the guy would pull u over..haha.

birds eye view of our hotel - fishtail lodge

erm..guess who..

Locals collecting water and bathin at the lake

the next day we went aero gliding!!! another super highlight! was awesome....plus i found my pilot hot. but that's beside the point.

in my gear..it gets cold up there..

meandering river with flood plain (so geog..)

terracing

back at the hotel it started to get really really windy. blew all the dust in our eyes so we had to stay in the hotel. but good thing we did, because the wind also blew all the clouds which were covering the mountain range away! lucky us...we got quite a clear view! and it was...MAGIC again.. sighhh.. took a million shots. can't wait to go back in december when the skies will be clearer..that's right! i'm going back in december!!!

Departure

oh well, soon it was all over and we were going home..departure at kathmandu airport is sure...'secure'. they body checked us like 3 times!!! touched me and everything...*shiver* they had dogs sniffing around, and even after putting our bags through the scanning thing, they still insist on MANUALLY checking...emptied out everything, empty plastic bag also suspicious. i guess they dun trust their machines.. omg..the lamest thing then happened - they loaded us on a bus to get top the plane, so we all got on, and the bus then drove like 10 metres?!?!??! cause the plane was like right there!!! so i dun understand why the din just let us walk...everybody was like sniggering and laughing to themselves. =P

the sky was awesome from the plane..i finally understand when they say 'pillars of clouds'.. was like heaven up there (or at least how i imagined heaven ta be)

home sweet home.

well i plan to go back for trekking in december

I'M LOOKING FOR PEOPLE

SO IF U WANT TO COME ALONG LEAVE ME A TAG!!!

some rude bitch

2009-02-17T22:34:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JING WEN!

omg. ok.
so on the way to meet jing and belili.
i was on the mrt and encountered something.
and i HAD to take a picture.
i just HAD to.
you noe why?
because i'm amazed.
just totally amazed...
at how annoyingly idiotic ppl can be.

just look at the photo:

like what the hell.
why do these ppl exist?

monday sucks

2009-02-09T21:37:00.006+08:00

M-O-N-D-A-Y-S-U-C-K-S

monday sucks! (monday sucks!)

M-O-N-D-A-Y-S-U-C-K-S

It's a song.

but monday does truely suck, and as janice yue Y2K bug would put it - 'monday sucks big fat plums'. (don't ask) 12 hours in school, 8 out of the 12 hrs i have break. and breaks can be really really really BORING. sure i can STUDY, but it has come to my knowledge that i cannot study more than an hour straight. my mind will wander..plus, i'll get a headache. strange isn't it. at least i get a ride home =)

so today when i arrived home, there was an exciting package waiting for me on top of the pile of mail! i examined it carefully and as soon as i saw the 'royal mail' sticker, i knew it was from SHANG!!!!!!!! OhhhHHhhhh!!!! so exciting!!! my kor and mum were like surrounding me being kaypo..so i opened it and inside was a little something and a postcard (see below)

HAHA!!!! thank you so much shang!!!!! it's really so so so super thoughtful of you. though my mum and brother quickly lost interest, it really means so much to me! thank you thank you thank you thank you. mua! haha...though i duno what to do with it. i'll just mess up my room. or buddie will eat it and get diarrhea. hehehe. so fun. =) ThaNk YOu.

Valentine's day is also just around the corner and NUS is really getting into the 'festivities'. selling flowers and gifts and duno what la. they also set up these 2 disgusting arches at the 2 ends of the AS6 walkway..damn corny la..they look like the wedding arch object in sims 2 - for those who play sims 2 u noe what i'm talking about rite, and if u noe, just think of that object, minus the 'niceness' - and that's what's sitting at FASS right now. haish. trying to get ppl into the 'mood'. like i told seow ling, it's all ploy - to get ppl all romanticy feeling so they'll hook up with their beloved crushes, go steady, get married and have a bunch of bouncy babies, like the govt wants! =P well...i think they better do more than all that if that's what they're trying to achieve. well, i did like the hanging paper hearts. i sat at the bench in front of them fer like 2 hours - they were quite enchanting...plus ppl kept whacking them as they walked by (barbaric).

SMU Band concert

2009-02-08T00:02:00.007+08:00

today. i mean yesterday, i went the SMU band concert at VCH. Seow Ling was performing, went to support her, but in the end, the performance was really really really good. i admit that a lot of the time, i'll get bored after a while during such performaces, but this was really good, no wonder it's a 'gold band'. some parts made me wanna cry, some parts made me wana dance..that's a sign of an excellent performance. so GOOD JOB SEOW LING!!!! and good job smu band.

though we were sitting at an unstrategic place for viewing seow..all we could see were her little legs and hands holding on to her flute. her face was like 'censored'. and then her aunty and parents came to sit beside us, and they kept changing places, shift here, shift inside, shift outside. then in the end, shift to the front so can see their daughter's face. afterall, it'd be sad if u went to support someone and din get to see their face at all. so funny - a person's face is really his/her identity. is it not enough to know the person is there or just see part of the person? why is it so important to see the FACE? i duno..should ask psych ppl.

i drew the seow! (first time trying this style)

managed to catch the 'ever popular' seow aftershow

after that went to eat late dinner with jenny penny..(whom i have many reasons to slap)..at KFC. talked about serious stuffx till i got no voice. who knew our families had so much in common my fwen.. mebe we're secretly related. anyway, thanks for accompanying me, though i had to bribe u to come. U O Me FOrEver! thanks.

2009-01-31T11:28:00.000+08:00

Rafael Nadal

need i say more?

warm encounter of the third kind.

2009-01-27T09:58:00.002+08:00

yesterday my uncle asked me: "so cathleen, what are u doing now?"
me: "oh..at NUS FASS."
uncle: "what happened to the....(gesters paintings movement)"
me: "oh right...eh...*no money*"
uncle: (nods in understanding)
--silence--
brother swoops in to rescue conversation: "u got the local scholarship didn't you?"
me: "ya..'they' only gave me the local scholarship..(shrug)
uncle: "Ohh..then there's no point..u didn't take it right?"
me: "NO....(laugh)"
uncle: "yaaa..good. it's ok..can go after.." (assuming he meant for postgrad)

ok. it seems like quite a USUAL converstaion. but considering the content and who i was conversing with - makes this conversation quite significant to me(can't u tell? since i've apparently memorised exactly how the convo went?) it shows that he remembered and that i'm not quite so invisible. that i did not make a mistake refusing the local scholarship - and his opinion (though in minimal words) about that is very valuable to me. it also showed a degree of support..which up till yesterday, i assumed did not exist. a certain warmth was present as well which was pleasantly surprising.

sigh. i duno. it's a confusin family affair...i'm conflicted about it.

NUS bash

2009-01-25T14:27:00.003+08:00

i've been MIA for a while now.

so yesterday night was NUS bash.
it was held at ZOUK.
so i thought we would go and test the singapore clubbing scene to see what the big fuss is about.
turns out the hype is nothing but hot air.
literally this is all we did:

line up
show IC (cos we all look underaged)
bag check
get a hand chop
flash ticket
receive a packet of useless coupons
squeeze through crowd
get yucky free drink
find comfortable spot to stand for the next 2 hours
cam whore cause there's nothing better to do
leave

not to mention our sore throats having to scream conversation throughout the evening. what's so great about clubbing man? it's kinda pointless. oh and i fell flat on my ass outside zouk..cause there were so many ppl and i didn't see the curb. i think i flashed some ppl while i was down too. haish. i think i'm permanently suay.

ANYWAY..i'm not going clubbing ever again(unless dragged kicking and screaming) besides, my brother says that there are only two reasons ppl go to clubs for - to pick up ppl and to get picked up..and since i'm interested in neither..like i said..pointless. sigh..

my teeth GLOW.

SuAy DAy

2009-01-14T20:46:00.003+08:00

ok, before i start working, i would like to describe my day.
the suay-est day ever (so far)
i woke up at 0600 to go swimming at the club while my mum does tai chi.
so naturally i wore my swim suit inside my clothes.
swim swim swim, got up...
and then..
EPIPHANY IN THE SHOWER!!!!!
and loe and behold, missing from my bag, an extremely vital article of clothing.
haish..figure out the rest yourself (shouldn't be too hard)

so, the plan to go to NUS straight after swimmin was ruined.
rushed home, rectified the problem, and caught a ride from my brother.
lecture lecture lecture, went to buy textbook...
searching bag for wallet..
searching searching searching...
presence of wallet? NEGATIVE.
huge sigh..
then voila! sms from mum,
other brother is on his way to school and has my walllet.
YAY!!! HOPE FOR SALVATION!!!!
waited waited waited at carpark.
look at watch.
12pm..he has lecture at 12.
which means he's late.
nvm.
wait wait wait...saw pink car..zoomed pass me.
i thought - 'it's ok..he just went to park it'
wait wait wait.
THEN, in the distance, distinct figure of brother flying across the road.
but wait!
he's heading in the wrong direction!
I'M OVER HERE!!!!!
run run run.
dialed his hp number...
ring ring ring.
NO ANSWER!!!!!
WHERE DID U GO?!?!??!?!?
WHERE'S MY WALLET!?!?!??!!

argh. 4get it!
already late for appointment.
just go, can borrow money from jan and sara first.
got on bus..incoming sms.
"i'm at lt9, come get ur wallet."
in my head - 'I'M ON THE FREAKIN BUS ALREADY!!!'
conclusion: still walletless, cashless, cardless.

on train heading towards city hall..incoming sms.
Janice: "Cat..sara 4got to bring her wallet, but she say she'll pay us back"
Me: "Omg. i din bring also." (WHAT ARE THE ODDS!)
Janice: "OK you guys are not going to play tricks on me."
Me: "Sorry to burst ur bubble jen, but i'm not kidding."

*Handel's Hallelujah Chorus in background**
Yes, that was my day.
once something goes wrong, everything else just comes tumbling down.
perfect.

suckers!

2009-01-05T16:00:00.002+08:00

WAHAHAHAHA!
all you NTU, SMU, JC, Sec School, Pri School Suckers have started school already!!!!!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
NUS ppl still got one more week to rot at home!!!

ok..cheap thrill.
so childish.
i'm actually quite bored at home.
it's now bidding peak period - very stress - worse than studying.
so i guess we're the suckers..

can't wait for school to start. =D

HAPPY New year 09

2009-01-01T09:52:00.002+08:00

Oopx. ignore the previous entry. was seriously woozy.
anyway.

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!!!!

but honestly. today feels just like any other day. yesterday felt like any other day. what's the big deal bout new years. i dont noe. i do not feel the need to make resolutions, or to reflect. life is enough of a hassle without having to manage years. if u ask me i think it's just better living life day to day in one stretch. but none the less, since i don't want to be a social deviant, LET ME REFLECT ON 2008, and MAKE SOME 2009 RESOLUTIONS. (resolutions are stupid since nobody ever follows them)

but firstly, i would like to thank sara - my dear dear fwen - who rescued me from lonerism on new years eve. =) if there's anything good about counting years, it's that it makes it easier to keep track and reminisce on good times with great ppl. thanks babe. i like our yakking sessions - sometimes their serious, sometimes their nutty - good diversity. haha. and guess we overestimated our alcohol tolerance. was already banging into things after a can. *shrugx** had a good sleep after that though. my limbs felt so comfortable. lol.

REFLECTIONS:

if u asked me how my 2008 was, i would surely say - 2008 was the worst year of my life. because the first major dream and hope i had which really meant anything to me at all came crashing down on me. after working so hard all those months only to lose it all in the end. that's a failure that will stay with me forever.
on top of that - lost friends come in at a close second to lost dreams. i'm not a fair weather friend, but fighting a storm for so long can kill you, and that's not a sacrifice i am willing to take.
but of course - have to acknowledge the many blessing which 2008 has brought - including getting all my 'A's for A levels, opportunities and experiences working in NY, letting me hold on to my time there just a little longer, getting into NUS(though i resented being there for a while, i now realise how blessed i am to be there), as well as new friends and closer relationships with old friends.
in summary, 2008 has been a year of change, in my life, and in the world as well. shan't talk about world events, cos i could just go on and on and on. adding on, though i would say that 2008 has been the worst year of my life, it could also have been my best. i wouldn't be surprised if both the highest and lowest points in my life have taken place in 2008. yea. so i have to stop all my negativity and count my blessings.

RESOLUTIONS:

hold on and maintain relationships with ppl close to my heart - whether they be near or far.
change my slackerish ways and score at least a 4.0 cap for semester 2.

yeap! that's all the resolutions i'm going to make, cos they're the only 2 resolutions which i would actually really want to keep, and which are significant. no point making stupid, pointless, insignificant, shallow resolutions.

ok. i'm off to live in 2009.

highhhhh

2009-01-01T00:18:00.002+08:00

i have a very low alcohol tolerance.
i had 2 and 1/3 cans of carlsberg,
and i'm already high...
and super light headed.
can't walk straight.
needa pee.
can't type properly.
hahahaha.
not quite over the edge yet.
not quite talking loads of rubbish yet.
not quite out of control.
but almost there.
heeeeheeeee.
i feel sleepy.
needa pee.
ok bye.

2008-12-29T20:24:00.003+08:00

if random acts of violence were an acceptable societal norm,
i'd hate to imagine the number of ppl severely injured or dead at my hand.
broken bones, missing teeth, internal bleeding.
bludgeoned to death with a bat.
because they don't know how to stand on the CORRECT side of the escalator.
because they walk so freagin SLOW on a crowded narrow walkway.
because they like to stop and hangout in the MIDDLE of a crowded narrow walkway, or in front of the escalator entrance/exit.

i think i need anger management.

arty langkawi

2008-12-25T21:16:00.008+08:00

ok. i shall now update some of the more arty photos. lemme tell the funny story which came along with these pictures. so i went out to the jetty in the evening on the 2nd last day of our stay and took some WONDERFUL shots..like seriously beautiful. i was so pleased with myself. so at night i decided to flip through the shots i took because i couldn't really get a good look before cos the sun was blinding me. so then i was flipping through a few when i thought i would try and change the sizing of the photographs. i explored the buttons and options cause i din noe exactly how to do it and i pressed something wrong - next thing u noe, ALL my photos are gone. gord..it was super heart wrenching. i was seriously like "WHY ISN'T THERE AN 'UNDO BUTTON' IN REAL LIFE?!?!?!" *cries** so i had a very unrestful night thinking about my lost effort.

ANYWAY, i was determined not to go home without anything to prove that i was overseas, so the next morning i went down again and tried to retake some shots - though the position of the sun was totally different... =( but! managed to get some other great stuffx. =) here they are! enjoy:

yup. that's all. hope u enjoyed it. photography is fun. hope to improve my skills in the future. =)

langkawi

2008-12-24T11:47:00.010+08:00

wow. i woke up this morning and it was raining - stark contrast with the weather in langkawi where i was just yesterday. when i arrived at the hotel on saturday morning, the ppl there told us that it hadn't rained there for a week! i looked up into the sky and there wasn't a cloud in sight! no wonder it was so hot and sunny - which was of course ideal cause i wanted to phase out of my pasty whiteness (that's till i found out that the sun seems to have some kind of agenda against me - cause everytime i headed out with the intention to tan, the sun hid out on me)wth. nvm. i still managed to get a wee bit darker - some better than none.

we stayed at 'the westin langkawi' - a beach resort which used to be 'sheraton perdana' but was taken over by westin. i know this because the last time we were in langkawi we stayed at the exact same hotel - which was sheraton at the time. therefore, there was an overwhelming sense of familiarity as we explored the place. twas pretty much the same except for some major improvements to the rooms, pools and dining areas. the rooms were deliciously AWESOME!

the hotel. (see! minimal clouds!)

u can see out into the room from the toilet - which means u can actually watch tv while u sit in the tub. unfortuntately i was bunking with my bro, so could not maximise this function (that would be awkward huh.)

ok. so basically, to cut a long story short, we just did 4 thing during our stay in langkawi - eat, sleep, swim and use the recreation centre. we did go out to the town one afternoon - but erm..it was a trip planned with high expectations - none of which were met. spoiled singaporeans. anyway. of all the places in the world, i ran into a familiar face in langkawi, and not just in langkawi, but in the exact same hotel at the exact same time! i ran into my singapore society lecturer - anthony alexius pereira. omg. and i was just thinking bout him and my sem one results..i wanted to go up and say "HI MR PEREIRA! WAHHH..SO HAPPY AH?!?! MARK FINISH ALL OUR SCRIPTS LIAO AH?!?!?!"

ANYWAY, here are some photos of my trip.

that's a cool chess set on the table there! tried ta play but i suck!

my mum - trying to relive her childhood - but failing miserably.

i gotta be like a tree.

brother tried to teach me tennis AGAIN. failed attempt no. 386

tennis cool move

dad's still got some moves left in im'

played table tennis - look at cookie monster cheering me on!

gymed - this machine is so fun - and i burnt one cookie's worth of calories on it. -.-''

i tried to teach my mum arm training with weights

played pool (badly)

went shopping.

some family shots around the resort compound:

bye langkawi!

ok i actually took a lot more shots - more arty ones. i shall upload those in the next entry. i have a funny story bout that. ok it's not funny. it was damn sad and frustrating. shall explain later. anyway. we arrived back in singapore at 2215 yesterday and i had an 'overwhelming singaporean feeling' stepping back into changi airport. changi airport rocks my socks. the ONE place i feel patriotic.

THEN! (scary music) i remembered..bloody hell...results are out. went home, logged in, scrolled down, *diex*.

3.7 cap. at least not less than 3.5 - if not all hopes of going for exchange program die there and then. it's not bad..i suppose..but i felt so awful seeing all those B-. i blame my brother..idiotic oversized brain child capping 4.5, A, A-, A+ here, there, left right centre like nobody's business. argh. fely so demoralised and shit. then the thought dawned upon me again - what if i were studying art..would i be doing better? i don't want to be ordinary..i don't want to just be this person scoring average grades, lost in the pool of ppl in nus. argh!!!!! with art, i felt..unique and special...now..it's like....

god! this is depressing.

twilight movie review

2008-12-19T13:13:00.003+08:00

yes i've watched twilight(in theatres, not my illegal way), and well, i already knew when i caught it the first time online that it wasn't quite up to par. yea..this review is like damn meaningless now, cos like half the world has already seen it like a month ago, so they're like OVER it already...while we poor folks in this god forsaken desert have only JUST received it. whatever. i don't care. so firstly, the movie seemed kinda rushed - which i understand cos it's a movie..they gotta fit a whole lotta crap in 1.5 hours..but still..i think it couldv'e been developed better. so it's like oh! e. and b. meet and woohoo...suddenly they're totally in love with each other...and we ppl watching are like...when and how did that happen?!?! secondly, i dun get the whole deal bout the chemistry thing between r.p. and k.s..i personally din feel it..i duno..they just din look comfortable with each other at all..mebe it's the acting - but they both seriously needa like lighten up. the only part in the film which was more believable and where i could sense a wee lil bit of chemistry was the part where e. was jumping down from her truck and was saying that he wanted to bring b. to meet his family. that little scene was the most comfortable fer me to watch..other than that..e. seemed so uptight and awkward the whole time. which brings me to my final point which is of course...the acting was kinda....off. r.p. is hot and all and i adore him...yea..but i think he needs ta brush up the acting man. giving him the benefit of the doubt..i think it's quite a difficult role to portray..who in the world would know how to act like the kinda vampire that meyer has created..it's tough. i'm no actor...but i think i've watched enough movies to know what's good acting and what's not. i think a lot of the strangeness and uneasiness abt the acting has to do with the timing of lines...when the person comes in to answer a question...or in reaction to something..i think that was off..yea amongst other things.

yea..so i didn't quite think the movie was so great obviously..but as a loyal follower of the series and of the hotness of r.p., i'll still go buy the dvd and i'll still go watch new moon when it comes out. of courseeeee... =) though i'm still quite upset that they're not casting taylor lautner as jacob after he morphs...or whatever. that's sad.

ok..twilight mania has finally cooled. i've got more important things to moan and groan about now. like sem1 results on the 23rd - like what's they're problem..can't we enjoy christmas b4 we have to face reality? on the 23rd! of all days. screwed up. biddin is just round the corner. i want my 3 day week. ok honestly..i like school. and i'm excited for sem2. =D but somehow, everytime i so much as think of london and goldsmiths..my heart still aches. haish. i guess ppl never really get over lost dreams and crushed hopes. *shrugs**

walking disease

2008-12-18T00:21:00.003+08:00

sian.
i'm a walking disease.
can't exercise.
hence,
can't rid tum fat.
stupid disease.
why me?
sian.

super super super low self confidence.

feel ugly
and yucky.

christmas shopping

2008-12-05T22:18:00.002+08:00

went out with jen pen today to do some holiday and christmas shopping.
was on a quest to buy beach stuff.
i got me sunglasses and a new swim suit.
hot.
jan was so patient sitting outside the dressing room while i tried on the whole shop.
thanks jan.
thousands of kisses.

we walked A LOT:
started at orchard
walked to far east
then to the galleria
then to isetan
then back to orchard
mrt to dhoby
walked round ps
mrt to city hall
walked to suntec
walked across suntec all the way to tower 3
then back to city hall.

haha..by the end my legs were jello.
but i had bought my stuff,
plus christmas presents for mama and papa.
left those 2 boys.
i never know what to get boys.
they're such a mystery.

me and janice like to gay together.
we send each other flying kisses and walk arm in arm.
it's gay.
but nvm.
it's jan jam jen pen.
she's probably downing jugs of alcohol at timbre now.

tomorrow going to play badminton with jan and sara.
SARA!!!!!
SARAAAAAA!!!!!!
SAAARRRRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
ngiao ngiao...

OH!!!! and the mystery of the midnight phonecalls has been solved. apparently it was an old friend. some problem with the handphone - complicated story, shan't elaborate. haha. but yea...at least it wasn't some pranker. =))

FREEDOMMMMMMM

2008-12-03T16:32:00.002+08:00

yes! my exams are finally over!
i must say SSA was quite manageable compared to the others.
mebe it's because i had 1 hour for each question.

plus mr peirera is so awesome.
true to his nature, he was stil making jokes in the exam hall.
mr peirera: "shall we do some last minute revision?"
exam hall: " ..... "
mr peirera: "what is the no. 1 CAUSE of DIVORCE?"
exam hall: " ...?... "
mr peirera: "MARRIAGE."
mr peirera: "ok, it's 1pm, start ur papers."

gord i love him to bits.

so now i'm free like bird. nothing to do all day!!! dun even have to worry bout next sem until start of january because we wun even noe what mods we'd be taking till then! isn't that the most awesome thing about NUS ever!!! they really just let u slack during hols! so happy. so i've started my whole 'get fit' craze again. i'm going beach fer holiday..dun wanna bare my flabs for the world..so i've starte working out again..1 hour a day. i started on monday - after like how many months of not doing anything...and gorsh am i aching now..ALL OVER literally..arms, legs, back, and other unmentionable places. honest to god, i can't walk or sit down without making noise: "OUCH!!! OOOOO!!! AHH!!! OWWW!!!!!". i'm pathetic i know..dun care. i'm determined to lose the stomach flab.

ok..on a creepier note. have u ever felt like u were in a scene in some horror movie. just a few nights ago...monday night i think..i was alone at home. both my brothers were out and my parents were out fer dinner. so it was just me and my maid who was downstairs in her room already. so then the phone rang..the house was seriously quiet...so i went to pick it up...and there was no one there..i was like: "HELLO??!?!??!?!?" then the person on the opposite line must have put own the receiver. so after that i was like.."HMMmmmmm"...i mean usaully it wouldn't be a problem at all...but it was because it was at night and i was alone at home..so was a little wary. so then i went back to studying and already my senses were all heightened already..then...my dog started barking outside fer no apparent reason..the dogs next door weren't even barking... GEESH! i was super creeped out then. BUT..i calmed down after a while. no biggy. haha..i din die.

ok creepy no. 2! i've been receiveing mysterious phonecalls on my handphone n the middle of the night...at like 12am. happened just last night. i was already drifting into sleep then i was startled by the vibrating of my phone on my desk...so i had to get up to go get it...but it was from a land line number that i didn't recognise....so i just din answer. so i went back to bed. THEN..i was drifting off again...when my phone RANG AGAIN!!!! this time it was from a strange hp number...so again..i ended the call without answering and turned off my phone. SO IRRITATING! ok..there are 2 explanations for this - one. some idiot keep calling wrong number. two. i have an idiotic stalker. ngiao ngiao...

ok! off to play! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

1-no not pio

2008-11-30T13:48:00.003+08:00

i thought that this one week of exams would pass by in a flash - but it seems like it's taking forever. pity the A level-ers, especially art geeks, who had to tahan for a month (lucky i've gotten through that already) - but A levels are all over already, yet, poor uni students are still having exams - at least - I AM, cos pretty much everybody i know except for my brothers, even all those in ntu and smu, have already finished theirs..and me? i end only on tuesday. last monday seems so long ago!

lemme summarise my first nus examination experience.

MONDAY - new media: all MCQ!!!! THANK GOD FOR NEW MEDIA!
TUESDAY- psychology: psych is dsigusting. for all those ppl who think that psych sounds like a ton of fun (i admit i was one of those ppl), well...it's NOT! unless you love to memorise 800 page textbooks and words which u can't pronounce, DO NOT TAKE PSYCH. 100 MCQ and 4 short essay questions - left 16 MCQs blank - can't even guess cos of the damn negative marking system - left one short essay question blank..sorry that i wouldn't remember what a placebo effect was, like give me a break.
WEDNESDAY - sociology: i must have screwed up..i think i wrote too philo style for the 1st question..the 2nd question i think i was writing too singapore studies style, and the last one? gosh...1.5 pages of total bullshit.
SATURDAY - south asia: easier than expected..should manage at least a B-.

so i'm left with singapore studies now which is on tuesday. my favourite module of the sem. so, to round up my exam talk, i hope i dun do too bad...at least dun get anything below a C, because that's the requirement if i want to go fer excange program. i have to get minimum cap 3.0 - and u noe when they say MINIMUM 3.0, what they ACTUALLY mean is u have to get a lot better than that.

Anyway, so janice came to study on friday with me - and BOY was i unproductive. it's not her fault, mostly me, cos i was studying fer south asia...and let's face it, no matter what, i will never get it..plus i was distracted by twilight stuffx. janice says i was floating around the house all day..duno what that means (could it be comment bout the say i walk?) so then sara appeared at my door at around 5 plus? haha...sara is addicted to me..she just can't keep away. she's in love with me, plus her mum thinks she and me are gay together. ain't that the weirdest thing. so then we 'studied' a lil more and went fer dinner at cafe cartel again - crap crap laugh laugh - strolled home, during which they tried to teach me how to walk normally - cos apparently i have a really strange walk - stopped at the park to 'swing, sing and puke' - then went home cos it was already 10pm.

guess what this is...

so after bald and babe went home, the REAL mugging began - cos i suddenly realised that..''hey! i have to sit for an exam tomorrow morning!''. TYPICAL fass student, mugging the night before...TYPICAL TYPICAL TYPICAL..

ok bored of blogging. bye.

studies and porn

2008-11-19T23:42:00.005+08:00

Today sara came over to my house to study. not seen her in ages - well there was that little moment at dhoby gaut the other day..but she was like in one of her moods(woops!). nvm. so she came over and we were really quite productive la..i studied like..a little of abnormal psych, then got disgustingly frustrated with it and changed to new media. sara was studying soci and 'analytical SHIT'. We only had a few moments of slacking off, watching ROBERT PATT on youtube, crapping, watching 'whose line is it anyway' for 1/2 hour, lunching etc etc. Pretty good for usually unproductive and distracting 'study buddy' attempts.

Here's some evidence of sara SLACKING. tsk tsk. i sacrificed my desk fer her to study also, so i got kicked to the bed - which really isn't a good place to study...wrapped up in blankets, pillows...

yea..in the evening, our brains were like sizzling out already, so we started porning on msn. when i say porning, i mean, talking bout disgusting things - apparently sara and janice porn online all the time. ANYWAY, so we decided to create a porn story for janice and edward cullen with msn using our beautiful words and of course lots of interactive emoticons. i've published our unique production below for your pleasure. it's not too graphic. lol.

FEATURING THE CHARACTERS OF:

JEN PEN

to preserve her reputation, Jen Pen's face shall not be revealed. But here is her chest for ur pleasure

EDWARD CULLEN

AND THE STORY BEGINS (episode ONE):

WARNING! MUST BE 18 AND ABOVE

to be continued....

yea so after lotsa laughing, me and sara skipped off to have dinner at cafe cartel. That was the most ridiculous dinner ever please..we were laughing like maniacs down there. i dun even remember what we were laughing at. she kept shouting my ECs(eye candy) name and so i kept shouting back hers. and we kept imaging crazy scenarios bout this and that..and just talking a whole lot of shit. then when desert came - it was browny with ice cream - when we both took the first bite, we went simultaneously: "MMMMmmMmmmmm...."(sounded damn porn) and then we both burst out laughing like mad - the kind of laughter which is soooooo torturous, u feel like u just might die of suffocation! sara seriously has a contagious laugh. then on the way home we were like two drunkards..we trying to do a "BRI-ISH" accent, to much avail.. ohhhh...seriously funny. ok u guys wun find it funny cos u had to be there.

argh. sara is great. it's great that we can like just talk shit and at the same time talk about serious, intellectual stuffx too. that's really great. sara's someone i can just like totally be myself with..talk however i want, and talk about whatever i want. i can just be totally stupid round her and not have ta worry bout it - make weird sounds and talk gibberish. so happy u're my fwen sara!!!! and THANKS SO MUCH FER THE AWESOME DAY! was really liberating! date more often! mua!

2008-11-17T21:09:00.002+08:00

ok these shots were taken months ago at the zoo.

i realise i didn't post em.

so here they are.

i'm just posting them cause i thing they're really nice.

it's like heaven opening its gates

shining down its splendour..

on the giraffes...

erm..

and seow ling.

In addition

after the recent tragedy at the zoo

i don't think i'd ever be able to look at the white tigers the same ever again

i don't even thing that i'll feel the same in the zoo ever again

it now has an aura of death

and sadness...

seow ling's personalities

2008-11-16T22:38:00.004+08:00

The many personalities of Low Seow Ling

I have come to the conclusion that Ms Low has 6 different personalities.

ONE. the intelligent Lawyer

TWO. the retarded child

THREE. the crooked flirt

FOUR. the handsome ah boy

FIVE. the closet gu niang

SIX. polygamist

These are no. FOUR and FIVE.

BEWARE!

the last day of semester 1

2008-11-14T21:30:00.006+08:00

hey everybody! it's the last day of semester one at NUS! It sure did fly by in a flash. So i decided to document today's happenings - though half of it had nothin g to do with NUS..but nvm!

this is tze yin's foot. dun ask me why. i just wanted to document it.

she had PURPLE nail polish on before this.

these are the South Asia Lecturers and Tutors - including my tutor Mr Dinesh who is the skinnier guy on the left. he's a sarcastic fellow.

ok. u see that piece of flesh, or arm, or hand (duno what it is) there on my shoulder? i seriously duno if it's MINE, or zinc's, or.....(shiver)

jingwen crashed NUS!!!! wooooo! she took half day off work. SLACKER!

and this is my Singapore Society Lecturer! Mr Pereira!!!! NO NOT PIO PEREIRA! I adore his lecture..and his tutorial. i adore him. adore adore adore adore adore adore. The one and only lecturer whom i actually pay attention to the whole 2 hours...even nandwani had me driftin off sometimes..oh. I'M SO SAD THAT THIS WAS THE LAST LECTURE!!!!!!!! ARGH!

then i ran into janice who was going to meet sara. we were going the same way..so hung out for a while. and she tried to rub her fingerprints all over my twilight book. i managed to free my precious book from her grubby hands..only to lose it to sara babes at dhoby gaut station. sad.

belize and chicken engaged in lame converstaion on the mrt.

yes. this is jing wen's ass.

took some shots of this year's christmas decor.

three lame ppl. ok...it's just 2 lame ppl. i'm really not that lame. i just listen and laugh.

ok. that was really quite a bad documentation of my day. left out a lot of juicy details which i shall gladly fill u in now in words. beautiful words. i made an interesting observation today. i saw my EC again today. for u noobs out there - EC=Eye Candy. and i think he's been wearing the same shirt fer the past 3 fridays. and i only notice this because the first time i saw him wear the shirt i noticed cos it was the same colour as what i was wearing..tsk tsk. so i duno...if it's like coincidence...or he just has lotsa shirts in that colour...or if like he has some kinda outfit plan...like monday i wear this, tuesday i wear that etc etc.. ok. i know i said i had lotsa juicy details i'd left out - but that was the only one acutally. yay!

ok. on a more serious note. as today is the last day of semester one, i started to reflect on my time in NUS. i know it started out really rough - i didn't like anything i was studying..i didn't like the school, the ppl bla bla bla. but looking back..i know that i only felt that way because i had a real negative shitty attitude. there was seriously some bad stinking aura exhuding from me, cos i was still so upset and disappointed about not getting to jolly ol london..and that really affected me for a long time. BUT! i've had time...to think, and accept..i was still hoping deep down that i would be able to somehow get the money to go...but my last resort was like totally demolished by the damn economic crisis. i was hoping to ride some backdoor and get some assistance from DBS, but lo and behold, i open the newspaper and see headlines "DBS to let 900 employees go". like what the freaking hell. SERIOUSLY..after EVERYTHING SUAY that has happened to me, preventing me to go..i must either be the SUAYEST person on the planet ever to exist across time, OR...it's really just not meant to be(which is the more acceptable explanation for all this crap) so..after acceptance..and more time spent in NUS, i realise...i'm starting to enjoy my time there. Yes..it's not the ideal route..and i still have no idea what i'm going to major in..or what i'm going to do with my life, but - i have the people, i have the building, the environment, and most importantly, i have the experience - of being a university student - something which so many ppl do not have the chance to experience. and i feel thankful all of a sudden..and proud..to be in NUS. =)

Yep. so that's a conclusion to that chapter of my life - the 'I NEED TO GO TO LONDON OR I'LL DIE' chapter. now i can start a new one - 'FIND MY PURPOSE' chapter. =) i wonder if this chapter ever really ends actually..how many people are actually lucky enough to discover their true purpose in life? and even if they do, does everyone only have ONE purpose? haish. what a pickle.. =)

esplande madness

2008-11-09T17:45:00.003+08:00

ok.

i'm supposed to put up lots of unglam photos of teo tze yin.

and i was just about to the other day.

but then i was suddenly afraid that she might get pissed.

cos her unglam pics..

are really quite unglam.

doesn't seem like fair revenge to her measly one photo of me.

then i thought i would help avenge her friends..

so here's a compromise:

2 beautiful pictures of teo tze yin.

right. on to more interesting things. lately, i've been catching lotsa performances at the esplanade. makes me feel cultured. first it was vienna boys choir with sL, then yesterday i went to watch the musical 'Avenue Q' with my family. OK GUYS, Avenue Q is like sooooo FREAKING GOOD. YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT! it's run is almost up, so if you haven't watched it..well you must. If you miss it, then u'd just have to pay $3000, fly to london, pay another 30pounds for a shit seat, or 10pounds for a 'standing up' seat, to watch avenue Q which is on permanent show there. you won't regret it. i swear. in a nutshell, it's basically telling the story of this guy named princeton - represented by a muppet, on his journey to find his purpose in life - he meets all these characters in a neighbourhood called Avenue Q, and they sing about issues like rascism, porn, homosexuality..yea sounds deep, but it's not, it's damn funny. the singers are also bloody good..oh, and not forgetting the LIVE Muppet sex scene..Graphic. dotx. but i super enjoyed it and i wanna watch it again so bad. argh.

ok this isn't the cast that performed in Singapore

Singapore is the Manila cast.

yea. so today i was back at esplanade again, this time to watch a FREE performance by 'west winds'. They were playing movie songs - jurassic park, incredibles etc. really nice. the concert hall was packed...with...uncouth ppl - who woot and scream and talk and take photographs, and CLAP UNNECESSARILY..now i wouldn't say i'm the most experienced concert goer...but please laaaa.....CONCERT ETIQUETTE...read a manual, take a course, dun embarrass Singapore. shit, now i'm gonna be accused of being elitist. HECK.

and 'CATS' is coming to Singapore next year! the musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber! me and sL are gonna catch it! another SUPER super Good performance to catch!!! =) can't wait.

i actually love going to such performances. the atmosphere is very nice, very grand. it's a feel good thing. i guess Singapore IS doing a pretty good job with the whole ARTs HuB endeavour. There seems to be a lot of good stuff showing in the esplanade lately..and else where too. i also saw that there's gonna be a theatre play on shakespear's 'winter's tale' next year..with some real good actors - ethan hawke, others that u've seen on TV. hahaha. if only i understood shakespearen english.. =)

no halloween

2008-11-02T10:20:00.001+08:00

so sad that Singapore doesn't celebrate Halloween

the most i saw of 'dress-up' in NUS..

was this girl wearing a pirate hat,

and another wearing cat ears.

SN presentation

2008-11-01T09:53:00.003+08:00

so YESTERDAY was the dreaded South Asia Peer Response Presentation. i won't even bother to explain to u all what that means. All u gotta know is that we had to stand up one by one and talk for 3 minutes..and yea...no big deal rite..as a uni student...that's supposed to be a give in. but i can't tell u how nervous i was.

i already had butterflies a few hours b4 the tutorial..my palms were sweaty bla bla bla. sitting down awaiting my doom and i could literally FEEL my heart thumping...and it's strange that i felt it at my stomach...and though the room was cold, i was kinda sweating..HAHA. i'm so so so super NOT exaggerating! this is literally what happened!

yea so it was finally my turn and stood up. i thought i would read from my paper, but i couldn't HOLD my paper!!!! because even I could see the paper SHAKING in my hand (if it's that obvious to me, imagine what everybody else sees), so i casually set it down on the table, and tried to balance my fingers on the table to hide the shaking, but GUESS WHAT, they shook violently ANYWAY..argh. plus, i now could not just read from my paper, cos that would mean that i would be staring at the table the whole time, thus i had to impromptu - resulting in me speaking in totally incoherent sentences and unconciously saying a lot of "YA"s at the end of every single 'sentence'. SHIT! so i din even bother to say all my points - just had to get it over and done with. i sat down, and my tutor probably could sense my extreme nervousness and so he randomly commented to lighten the mood about why is it that Singaporeans like to punctuate their speech with "ya". with the americans it's "like"...etc.

yea. so that was the failure of my day, or my week, or the whole term really...never felt like such an incommpetent loser in in my life (no wait..that's not true, i've felt worse on several occasions) ANYWAY, glad it's over and done with..i realise, i have better writing skills than i do speaking skills..haish.. someone who sits behind a desk writing minutes, not the someone who provides the content for the minutes...a follower not a leader. argh..hate myself.

revived

2008-10-29T09:08:00.002+08:00

ok so i woke up today feeling a lot better.
yesterday was a seriously bad day.
apologies to the people i took it out on.
i'm not sure how the bad day started..
i have several theories:

when i accidentally pressed the wrong key while doing RP survey (Research participation) and the survey got terminated, so now i have to go back on friday again.
when my second RP survey kept asking about hopes and dreams and passions and goals and meanings in my life...and whether what i'm doing helps me reach those dreams etc..(like i dun remind myself of my failures enough on my own..need a stupid survey to remind me too?!?!)
when i come home to have my mother asking me annoying questions (which happens everyday though..i feel bad now..i'm a really lousy kid)
being ignored and bombarded all at the same time.
STUPID south asia peer response presentation on friday.

yea. but all that was yesterday. today is a new day. i've got a slimy mask on my face. some work to keep my mind off things. twilight to keep me company. =) no worries.

snore

2008-10-24T22:51:00.004+08:00

YES 'SIR' SEOW LING 'SIR' !!!

UPDATED FOR YOU 'SIR' !!!

but there's nothing much to say... i'd only be ranting bout my obsession with the twilight book series(and that's kinda old news already..since the books have been out since 4ever liao). but yea..if u want to know..i'm obsessed and addicted..to edward cullen-the fictional vampire character in the book. and if u can see...the problem with obsessing over a FICTIONAL character is quite clear..firstly-they're NON-EXISTENT. secondly-they're usually UNREALISTICALLY wonderful 'people'. and finally-it leaves the reader with awful and impossible expectations in life, leading to feelings of hopelessness and frustration upon realising that these expectations will NEVER be met.

the cullens

edward cullen (robert pattinson)

edward and bella

ah yes. and here i thought that reading would be a distraction to my already meaningless and aimless existence. but..being as wonderfully 'lucky' as i am, my 'distraction'(which was supposed to make me feel better) has only made me feel worse about my future. woot. way to go cat. u're brilliant.

Anyway, it seems like this semester is finally coming to a close. i thought it would never end. and our tutors must find great joy in seeing us wiggle and squirm whilst we try to meet multiple deadlines all within the same week. they're idea of good fun apparently. sick sadists. to make things worse, in just 3 weeks, we have our finals?!?!?! like WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! DIDN'T MID TERMS JUST END?!??!?! DID I NOT LIKE JUST SIT FOR SOUTH ASIA TEST?!?!?! and now i gotta pick up the books once again..i hardly have the motivation..not to mention i'm totally swimming in 'twilight' which is unfortunately very detrimental to my concentration - especially when reading stuff which is totally irrelevant to my 'profound aspirations'. lol.

OK. SEE! told yer all that it's better that i don't update!!! cos all i'll do is complain and whine, groan and moan. and hardly anybody really likes to read such stuff. haish.

i know.

2008-10-15T15:28:00.002+08:00

though i've always kinda known,

thanks to sara for reminding me.

i know.

it wasn't my place.

it wasn't ur desire.

i'm still a stranger.

separate entity.

foreign body.

always have been.

always will be.

can't change it.

stopped trying.

2008-10-10T22:52:00.001+08:00

sorry

i took down the previous post

cause i can't stand the way it looks

i'm honestly a psychotic eccentric perfectionist

postcards and journals

2008-10-01T16:12:00.003+08:00

just a random post...

nothing i study seems to be sticking in my head. i think there's a threshold to how much i can learn a day. after that line is crossed, anything i read will just be meaningless words, slipping in and out of my head like a lenght of string being pulled from one ear and out the other. that's got me real worried bout friday..SSA test plus SN tutorial. stress.

anyhoo. i went all nuts and starting tearing out the postcards which shang bought me out from its box. plan to send em all to her eventually..over the course of 4 years. so..really...she bought em for herself. =) cause u're gonna have them all in the end Shang!

i've been sketch-journaling a lot lately too. been addicted to it..it's a real good way of expressing feelings and thoughts. it's autobiographical - extremely private - but it'll be fun to look back on in say..10 years time? really recommend ppl to have their own..and it's not even a 'dear diary' thing..where ppl like ta write long essays in there. it's like..just simple stuff..what is inspiring you, what's bothering you..a few sentences, a verse, a ramble, whatever, and then draw a lil' something.. =) Treat every page like a composition(like in art!)

so this is one page which i did..

which didn't have any personal stuffx.

it's just JOHNNY DEPP!

just thought i'd start drawing again.

it's good practice.

cruel reminders

2008-09-30T11:06:00.004+08:00

THANK YOU SHANGYI

FOR TAKING THESE PICTURES FOR ME

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

THEY DON'T MAKE ME FEEL MISERABLE

I FEEL SAD CAUSE IT'S LIKE SO WASTED THAT I'M NOT THERE

this is what is sitting at goldsmiths college:

yes my name is there.

but am i there?

as nice as it is to have somehow left my mark,

it's just damn sickening.

can u blame me for being miserable..

meanwhile, i am going to fail my midterms.

NM1101 and PL1101 yesterday.

Sucks Shit.

so eff-ing difficult.

NEGATIVE marking system some more!

my brother challenged me to get 95/100 fer psych,

and 55/70 fer newmedia.

WHATEVER MAN.

sorry if i have a BAD attitude.

but there are only certain things that i'll be optimistic for.

and this isn't one of them.

i keep having dreams that ppl have offered me a way.

but i wake up.

and realise it never happened.

fail midterms

2008-09-29T22:30:00.001+08:00

fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail failfail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail failfail fail fail fail fail

FAIL MIDTERMS!!!

fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail failfail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail failfail fail fail fail failfail fail fail fail failfail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail

F1

2008-09-28T22:26:00.005+08:00

oh man.

i really should be studying.

BUT WHO GIVES A DAMN!

just finished watching the Singapore Grand Prix. at first, i was like wondering what all the fuss is about. u noe...lil cars zooming around..and i wonder why the hell ppl pay 300 plus bucks to have the car zoom pass u a few times. but omg..it's so cool. i LOOOoooVeeee the sound the car makes when it zips past the camera...Oooo..like..makes me all highhhh. i still think it's better to watch it at home though. then u'll know what's happening all the time, and u can see what's happening. annd omgosh i was totally rooting fer hamilton. cause he's hot. erm..yea...that's a pretty shallow reason..haha. but he must be good seeing that he's so famous and all..you can't blame me, i've never watched F1 before. Oh. plus, he's from UK, and has a really awesome looking vehicle thing (would it be offensive if i called it a 'car'?)

oh, and it was so sad what happened to massa..like wth was that la? some serious screw up la. there was the shot where he was just sitting there while the pit ppl were running towards him. i bet he must haven't been like cursing and swearing in there lor. took bloody long to pull that thing out too. from 1st to last. haish. damn sad.

ANYHOO. celebrated my brother's 21st bday today. no big party. we're not the party kinda family. just some small thing with some small cake..and some 'small' present - if u call a $5000 cheque 'small'.

my ah gong seems to like the cake..

so as per our family 'tradition', the children recieve a bible for our 21st bday (a nice one) - and a nice cheque apparently.

i then went on to do photoshoot of my beanie buddie baby boo boo. he's so photogenic. OK not really. he refused to look at the camera. so i just made him put his head on the floor - the way he does when he looks all emo (like his owner).

buddie is the cutest thing on 4 legs.

ONWARD TO FAIL MY MIDTERMS!

one week on

2008-09-27T00:23:00.006+08:00

one week on..

so shang's been hanging out in london fer a week already. she's starting lessons next week and i can't wait to hear what her lessons are like. if i can't be there then she'll have ta be there fer the both of us. Shang says that goldsmiths really thought i was coming, and they had a pigeon hole fer me with my name and everything. and my name is on the attendance list and all. argh. that's so sweet of them la..too bad i'm not there. i told shang to take a picture...cos it sure would be interesting...that even though i'm not there, i've somehow left a trace of myself.

and janice and claudia have convinced me to have a nice serious sit down with my parents, if not, just my mum (cause she's easier to manipulate....jkin), about appealing to DBS fer a bursary or scholarship. and if i did not have a certain relative in there, writing in at all wouldn't be a problem, i'd just be another person at their mercy. but since i am related to someone in there, it makes the business all the more tricky...and it's reallly not that i wanna be a backdoor person..it's just...when u're desperate...u gotta whack at everything. so to proceed i would definitely have to see what my mum says..since it's her brother and all..and it concerns serious shoulder rubbing...can only hope that the conversation with the mum goes well.

today. i went out with belize and chicken. we seem to be going out a lot these days.. we watched MAMAMIA..WHICH IS SUPERLY AWESOME BY THE WAY!!!!! makes ppl wanna sing~~~lalala. i highly recommend..though there were some issues with old ppl making out and hairy beer bellied bodies which looked like a carpet had been rolled out on the chest. but other than that...really really really entertaining. =)

after that went to swensens for dinner, talked about ''StrAngE'' topics, and london culture and realising that the only thing that belize is interested in in every country is their bands and punk population. but no matter. by the end of dinner, i was already in a daze...thinking of london again, wishing i was there. sorry if i was a wet blanket guys. SHOULDN'T TALK TO ME BOUT LONDON...or ART. just makes me remember what i DON'T have.

drinks anyone?

and is johnny depp not the hottest guy in the world - not to mention the best actor in the world. *wink wink. yes yes..johnny depp..is what is keeping me from killing myself now. it's nice to have an imaginery, alternate reality to fall back on.

is it right to say "alternate reality"??? if it is 'alternate', then how can it be reality? so that phrase dun really make sense... it's just imagination. yes. it's nice to have IMAGINATION to fall back on, when reality is totally ****ed up.

OH! and JD is set to reprise in his role of Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates 4! as well 2 other disney films - Lone Ranger and Tim burton's Alice in Wonderland as MAD HATTER. =)) there's also rumour that he'll be the riddler in the next batman...hiuk. that wuld be soooo interestin. <3

same side of the moon

2008-09-24T11:31:00.003+08:00

to all i love but am separated from by time and space:

same side of the moon - corrine may
I'm looking out the window
Where we sat to watch the stars
There's a chill within the air
It makes my heart long for your touch
You may be miles away
But as I kneel to pray

I see the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space
can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon.

I picture you across the oceans
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space
can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all my tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

go to the light!

2008-09-24T11:01:00.002+08:00

go to the light seow ling!!!

there's an initial attraction between seow and light

she finds herself being strangely drawn to it

soon, she's consumed by it.

resigned to fate

2008-09-23T09:59:00.002+08:00

thinking of my future makes me damn depressed.

LEE foundation said NO.

i really just needed a lil motivation.

but i guess GOD wun even give me that much.

losing faith..

in GOD

and in life.

so i'm lying in bed thinking of the reality of my life

and what it holds for me.

and it's 4 years studying shiite.

duno how many years working as shiite.

and MAYBE 2 years masters studying art therapy

(IF I DO STUDY PSYCHOLOGY WHICH RIGHT NOW SEEMS UNLIKELY)

so that's in the shiite-hole.

if not it's 2 years studying more shiite.

then more years working as shiite!

congrats cat.

your life is perfect.

ah well.

make the best of it ppl say.

*shoots myself in the head

*brains splatter on the floor

*but i'm still walking around

and a final quote from me private journal:

"i'll get by,

with the help of a little

IMAGINATION,

GOOD MUSIC,

and unhealthy doses of

JOHNNY DEPP."

shang is gone

2008-09-19T23:53:00.005+08:00

i feel very horrible.
it was so hard to say goodbye..
on so many different levels..
for so many different reasons.
i wonder why i was the only one who cried so badly.
if i had let myself, wouldv'e bawled.
but can't throw face like that.
in front of so many ppl.
can't make a scene..
and make shang feel bad.

but yea.
you're gone..

didn't get to hug yer b4 u went in..
din get to say 'take care', 'love you' and 'i'll miss you'.

well..
so..

take care shang.
love u shang.
and i'll miss you so much.
i'll see you soon.

onward ^ study ^ mid terms ^

the biennale

2008-09-18T17:10:00.005+08:00

so..i've NOT been busy when i well should be.

Me, shang, seow and sara went to the Singapore Biennale on Sunday. we met fer lunch at the soup spoon - which i really don't understand what all the fuss is about. then, due to almost NON existent signage, we took bout a half hour to find our way to the first site of the biennale. 'City Hall Building' - which btw, refers to the old supreme court..

but b4 that, we were treated to this intrigueing piece on the facade of raffles city - (Fantasmas Phantoms), Montoya, Isaac :

when u look at it from behind a red screen, you see this.

when u look at it from behind a blue screen, you see this.

I'll only advertise a few pieces that i was particularly amazed by, so what u see here is certainly NOT exhaustive at all. so when we stepped into the 'city hall building', the first art work that we saw was this installation piece. ok. so i wasn't so impressed by this one, but, it was interesting in its way. the worms were cute and there was definitely a 'shock factor'. t'was also interesting the interaction between the beautiful colonial setting of the room (plus the 'majestic' red carpet) and the horde of gigantic wormies. oh the irony..

Maggots, 2004, Pham, Ngoc Duong

Next was a work by Singaporean Artist Jane Lee called Raw Canvas. firstly, it's HUGE. Secondly, it looks like a Pollock. Thirdly, it might be even better than a pollock. Fourth, you really wonder how many tubes of paint she used on it, and fifth, they must have been really huge tubes of paint. finally, like...WOW.

Then, me and sara found a work that shang and seow missed. a three channel video work called El naufragio de los hombre (the wreck of men), by Nijensohn, Charly. so basically, what u see when u look at it is 3 different videos - though they all show images with the same kind of theme and feel. they depict scenes of water and sky, sometimes you can't tell where one ends and the other begins. and there's always the silhouette or silhouettes of men, who are just standing very still on the water. the work was captivating and haunting..

Onward! the very pretty FLOWER work! we walked and it's an immediate WOW. ppl instinctively get on their knees on the floor to get a photograph of it. so fun ta watch them. and something which we din notice until later was that one side the flowers all black, but the other side was all in colour! haha..the fun was in the watching the black and white turn to colour as u walked from one side of the artwork to the other. definitely one of my favourite works - Blackfield, Ben-David, Zadok.

The next one i really liked was this 3D painting/sculpture. What's so great bout this one is the technicality. as in..OMG. i dunt even noe how to describe how impressed i was by this one. like..it looks damn 3D when u look at from a certain angle..and u'd expect the 3D figures to be popping OUT right?!?! but they weren't, they were cut IN!!! yet they looked like they were poppin OUT! omt..must have stared at it fer a long long time..and felt so miserable because i know that i would never have thought of such a thing in my life..

see! pooping OUT rite???

but WAIT!!! not really! it has been cut IN!!! WOW!

Ok, then it was off to south beach development. which once again, because of disgustingly absent signage, we got a little lost..walked one whole big round around the whole place before we found the entrance... by the time we reached the place, we were hot, sweaty and dead beat. so really had hard time appreciating the works there..NO AIRCON man..stuffy shit..and the place looks damn haunted. we din even finish walking the place. but while we were there, caught this interesting photograph. how befitting. =)

so. Biennale was quite fun overall. though i think that it couldv'e been better. Biennale 06 had more gimmicks. and to kids like us...u noe...WE WANT THE BADGES AND THE SOUVENIRS!!! we also want aircon..(haha. ok that's not a good reason) But Yea. i think that it was very encouraging to see so many great works by so many artists..especially Singaporean artists. makes us art geeks feel..that we might not end up being poor struggling artists after all. so that's that.

cakes and sour news

2008-09-13T15:48:00.004+08:00

so it's cakes and sour mail now?

today i tried to make strawberry shortcake. and overall it was quite a success. though i think there was a problem with the cream..supposed to get double cream, but mum could only find 'cream', so mebe that's why the cream wasn't sweet at all. felt like i was eating super super super low fat cake. but it actually still tasted pretty ok! BUT, dun think i'll be making that again anytime soon. i'll try something else. and yes, always trust an artist to make something look nice even if it doesn't taste good. =)

THEN, some stupid mail arrived which soured everything up. totally spoilt my cake making mood, as well as dampened my whole biennale excitement.

(btw..is it pronouned 'BY-ennale' or 'BEE-ennale?)

ya. the mail was from Shaw foundation. they must be really stingy or running low on funds or something. anyway...haha..i AM just being a sore loser. and i was really quite upset fer a moment there. but i think..i shouldn't be too upset. whether i get there or not..at least i'd know that i exhausted all options. just feel bad fer my portfolio cd..being thrown into the trash..wasted. with my luck, i'll probably get another bitter letter by next week. but anywayx, learning to accept failure gracefully.

looking forward to BIENNALE tomorrow!!!

oh and here are some other random photos:

me and my baby buddie booboo bean bean..

that's zinc dozing during south asia lecture.

MUAHAHAHA.

i captured it with my webcam

tsk tsk tsk.

terrible woman.

stuck ear

2008-09-11T12:58:00.002+08:00

i'm deaf in my left ear.
went swimming yesterday at toa payoh with zinc.
then i guess water got into my ear.
and it's been sitting there ever since.
it hurts now.
and all the sounds around me seem to be muted.
mebe it's not water.
and i really am deaf in one ear.
that ought to be interesting.

anyway,
the pool at toa payoh is sooooo dirty.
u look from one end to the other...
and u can't see the other side.
cos it's so 'misty' and 'cloudy'.
that means it's just damn dirty.
a CLEAN pool allows u to see the other end crystal clear.
oh man.
then zinc said she heard someone spitting into the pool!
omg..my skin crawled..
and u noe ppl can just pee in there without others knowing?!?!
then while i was swimmin,
could see like stuff floating around...

haish.
dun mean ta be a brat.
but it's just really quite gross.
and u're like putting ur whole body and face into the stuff.
and like some will get in ur mouth.
ARGH!

and i just realised that every thursday's Life Page is on Singapore Arts Scene!
that's so awesome!
did u guys noe that?
so i went to dig up all the past thursday life pages.
such cOoL stuffx.
OH AND BIENNALE OPENS TODAY!!!!

long time ago..

2008-09-09T09:11:00.003+08:00

since this week i'm so 'free', i better update something which happened quite long ago, but i din get the chance to put up. i actually talked about SYF already..but got the pictures from ms lye some time ago. =) such rare, precious pictures..so definitely must share. i never got my face with my painting before this also...so..definitely very very valuable photos.

with principal mr kwek!

with parents

with the three teachers! really special picture!

we're each imitatin one of the 'sinners' in my painting btw. mrs ng is sloth, ms hew is wrath, and ms lye is greed. i'm lust...dotx..so farnii! haish..makes me really really miss aep days..when the teachers were all there..now...they're here, there, everywhere..but not together. sad.

LEAVIN

2008-09-08T21:54:00.006+08:00

so many ppl are leaving..
ppl i know, ppl i don't know..
so many are leaving.
the time for those going to australia has passed..
the time for those going to america has passed..
and now...
the london-bound ppl..
scholars, shangyi, my brother's friend, an ~old friend~, ppl i don't know but know..
they're all going..
or...they're already there.

but i'm still here.
i should be there.
but i'm here.

still here.

it's thundering outside. i love it. i love the sound of thunder. i love the sound of rain. i love the smell of rain. i love everything about rain except being out under it. i hope it rains like hell tonight. then maybe i'll find some peace in sleep.

so shangyi helped me send out my packages to the respective ppl today. thanks shang. i'm crossing my fingers, hoping and praying that they wun just toss out my stuff...after i spent so much time and effort on it. i hope they call me up fer interview....or...if dun need interview all the better. i just hope...that they'll think i deserve it..that they'll give me a chance..that there is good humanity out there..who will help me reach for my dream. i hope. i pray. i hope. i pray. pray for me too. (again)

ok. enough of the emo-ness. lemme update a lil of what's been happening the past few days:

went back to NY to visit. ms hew wasn't around unfortunately to entertain us...not like she needs to entertain us, cos obviously we can entertain ourselves. seowling was playng with my banana pencil box..it's a real A.A. she affectionately named it "NANABA". we then played around with gabriel's feathers etc. bla bla bla. i was TRYING to get some studyin done. but of course...failed miserably. mrs ng came later in the day. =) so nice ta see her..always so much fun with mrs ng. haish..i love the aep teachers. i love aep.

met up with sL and shang fer dinner one day. the purpose was to meet with shang's fwen, claudia, so she could tell me bout her lee foundation application etc. it was quite a success.

then on saturday. i painted another pair of shoes. for janice. it was her bday celebration that day....so thought i'd better get it done, so i could give it to her as part of a gift (the gift being my handywork) she loved momo...so i designed a momo theme fer her. =)

just yesterday. met up with aep geeks..old ones and fellow ones. some seniors came...though it was all the guys. some fellow ones came too...and one honourary one aka seowling. it was mainly to celebrate andre's bday and farewell shang...but guess..it was sorta a lil' reunion as well? for the seniors bah. most of our batch couldn't make it..quite sad. but glad to see those who came.

after that. me, seow and shang made our way to red dot museum at tanjong pagar fer an arty farty flea market. real cool stuff. i bought a really awesome book called " the creative license giving yourself permission to be the artist you truly are". it looks crappy..according to shangyi...but i think it has really good stuff in there. illustrations are super nice too..and got it fer a steal really! $25. =) so it was really quite an art fart day in the end. coolness. i like.

it's raining now. i'm so pleased.

2008-09-03T20:38:00.002+08:00

i don't like this feeling..
a mix of hopefullness, fear, and anxiety.

hopefullness - that i might still be able to attain my dream
fear - that my venture will end in failure and disappointment once again
anxiety - all the waiting drives me nuts

meanwhile, shangyi is flying off in less than 3 weeks time. i'm nervous and excited for her. it all seems so surreal. the thought of her leaving, getting on a plane, getting off only to find herself in LONDON!!! gorsh. it seems unreal. but it's going to happen. maybe the past year was all just a dream, and i'll wake up tomorrow having no recollection of anything that has happened. life would be better. i'm feeling numb now...but when the time comes, standing at the departure gate, waving dear shang off, i know i'll feel the pain.

and i'll wave u off

with smiles,

fears and tears

cause i'm happy for you

but i can't let you go

lament

2008-09-01T21:14:00.002+08:00

NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT I DO OR DO NOT DESERVE

WHO CARES IF U'RE ON THE FREAGIN DEAN'S LIST!

WHO CARES IF U'RE MY BROTHER!

FOR GOODNESS SAKE

YOU SHOULDN'T SAY SUCH A THING BECAUSE U'RE MY BROTHER!!!!!

SHOULD FAMILIES NOT BE THERE TO PROVIDE SUPPORT?!?!?!

IS BLOOD NOT THICKER THAN WATER?!?!?!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DESERVE!

YOU ARE NOBODY TO TELL ME WHAT I DESERVE!

AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THROWING AN EFFING TANTRUM?!?!?!

WHEN YOU CROSSED THE LINE!!!!

life, god, and 2nd chances.

2008-08-30T21:43:00.003+08:00

do you believe in second chances?

if something in ur gut just makes u feel like something ain't right.

then...

opportunity comes knocking again.

when the first time it came,

you somehow managed to screw it over.

i don't know how to read all these things. if i should take all this as signs? the gut feelings, the new opportunities - i just don't know how to take it. i don't want to be hurt again, disappointed. we all know how hard that all was. to pray and pray and hope and hope and pray, and to have everything just...crumble into obliterate. made me hate god..i still find it hard to talk to him. to feel good in church..to feel like he cares. i feel bad..cos i know i should never feel this way about god..but..i'm selfish. we all are. and we blame god for taking away something that means so much to us..whether an object, a person, a loved one, or just, a hope and dream. and i would ask - if god already has some preconceived plan for each and everyone of us..then why even bother praying for something that may or may not be in the plan?!?!?! we should just let it all unfold....whether we like it or not. or maybe we aren't supposed to pray for anything. suddenly, i feel like a pawn on a huge chess board.

i go back to NY and see the juniors doing their art, and i'm reminded of what i lost. i can't believe i'm not pusuing art..something which i thought i was my calling. i can't believe i'm learning things which i don't care for. call me spoilt, but i never thought that i would be in such a position. after i worked so hard..i can't believe...i still can't study what i WANT.

so this is what i've decided. every opportunity that is put before me. i will go for, with all the strength i have left. as long as there's even the dimmest glimmer of hope for me to attain my dreams, i will run for it, suffer for it, die for it. even if it means..disappointment, loss, devastation, which may manifest even stronger and deeper than before, so much that it might kill me.. i will not give up till i have worn out every possiblity..because i want this. i want this so bad.

and what about god? i do not know. all i will know is that he works in mysterious ways. i can look at this in 2 ways. ONE, he meant for my road to attaining this dream to be filled with obstacles and disappointment, with rocks and hills to jump and sorrow and heartache to overcome, he meant for me to achieve my dream with great difficulty..though in the end, he still meant for me to reach it. TWO, the dream is my dream, it's not in the plan, and my going for opportunity will only end badly once again, and thus proving that my dream was not meant to be part of my life's plan. the fact is..i will never know which of these 2 it is..so me trying to predict the outcome, is plain useless.

i will still reach for the dream. even when with every passing second, the dream seems more and more distant and unattainable. my hope wavers..my heart - never. i will not settle for less than what i deserve. i refuse to be ordinary.

like i said - the sky inspires me

have a thing fer perspective recently

what inspires me..

2008-08-27T11:16:00.003+08:00

lately,
i find my inspiration in the sky.
inspiration for what?
i don't really know.
all i know is that if i see a beautiful sky,
i have to take a photograph.
reminds me of god.
reminds me that there's a heaven.
the sky is a paradox of constancy and change -
it's always there, but never the same.

so it's been raining a lot these days. almost everyday. which makes me all happy, cause i love the melancholy of dark skies, wind which smells like rain, and of course, the pitter patter. gives me a sense of momentary calm..which really only lasts fer like a second, before i have to go back to reading coursetexts..poo. sometimes i think, i should be a vampire..ahaha.

there was a patch of luminous clear amidst the grey

yea. so i'm missing my slackerish life. i'm dreading tutorials..especially those that i'm alone for..namely soci and new media. and they want us to do 'show and tell' for new media?!?!?! WHAT the HELL! bring an item which represents who u are as a person. hmmm...aren't we a bit old fer show and tell? seriously. my brother says it's good, gives ppl a chance to be thick skin and talk about themselves (cos ppl LOVE to talk about themselves..selfish pricks). maybe that's true..but i dun think anybody appreciates talking about themselves in front of a class of bored strangers, all too sleepy at 8am to give a shit. gar gar gar. it's only fun for the teacher..cos then they dun have to talk, stress the students out, waste time. i KNOW the tricks..groupwork, group presentations?!?! it's all nasty agenda to relief the teacher's work load! -.-''

ahaha..feel so insightful.

this is LT 27

Psyhology lecture is held here. and it's so screwed up because it's at FOS(Faculty of Science) when psychology is obviously a social science module. so WHY is the lecture at the other end of the campus?!?!?!?! i dunch noe! so those poor suckers who have lecture or tutorial rite b4 psych lec have to fly over..sad sad life. hopefully they noe the bus routes well enough to not get lost. not like me..yesterday took the wrong bus all the way to the other side of the campus. was later fer lecture of course.

contem - plate

2008-08-23T22:25:00.003+08:00

sometimes i have to wonder

are my friends really my friends

do they love me as much as i love them

who is true and who isn't

who will be there for me when it matters

if i knew the answers to all these questions

i might not be left with even a handful of ppl

how many is a handful anyway..

so less than a handful would be..

1? 2?

they say human beings are social creatures

so why do i feel so alone

why do i feel so insignificant all the time

what IS the point of life..

and why is it worth a damn to live it..

been feeling damn disgusting lately. i think it's 'PMS'..which lately is rare..cos i haven't been blessed with my 'M' for a long time. it's the stress. 2008 sucks shit. it's the suckiest year ever..and did i mention, that it'll probably get suckier in 2009, 2010 and yes, up to 2012..which may be the end of the world..and if it is..i'll be damn pissed that the last 4 years of my existence were the suckiest ever.

aha aha. i'm probably gonna get scolded for emo entries again. but it's my blog. i say what i want when i feel it. u noe that ppl are most honest when they're drunk, and when they're on their blog. that's just my own theory btw..but i think it makes sense.

argh. and just for kicks. i'll post some lame pictures:

this is LT11 of FASS

these are my sociology lecturers

this is tze in her 'bad blueberry' t-shirt

this is tze pretending to eat my banana pencil case

these are the pair of nike dunks i bought today

uni life

2008-08-20T10:45:00.003+08:00

university life -->> a constant state of stress and mugging

WOW!

look at the big big hole i have dug for myself!

WOW!

oh no wait!

i didn't intend to dig this hole, did i?

it was MOE!

i was FORCED!

AGAINST MY WILL!

to dig this big big hole!

oh to not love what u're studying..

that's 4 years..

4 years in a big big hole.

no light, no air.

4 years of my life..

in a stupid hole.

woop di doo..

the INTERNET

2008-08-18T21:26:00.006+08:00

today at new media lecture, we talked about the history of the INTERNET or, as it was formally known - ARPANET. so now, i have a whole new perpective when i'm doing stuff on the net, and i start to really appreciate and notice the wonderssss that have been acheived from almost 50 years ago up till now! who new that 'hyperlinks' were such a big deal! now i know...they ARE. 50 years ago, it would take a computer whiz and genius to research information on the net, and now...it's honestly idiot proof! anybody can do it, and it's so easy...thanks to the innovation of HYPERLINKS~~~woot!! and now i noe what all those strange letters mean! 'IP' means 'internet protocol', 'www' stands for 'world wide web', 'html' stands for 'hypertext mark up language', 'http' stands for 'hypertext transfer protocol'!!! ahh...how strangely knowledgeable i feel..though..i'm still not exactly sure as to what i'm studying..

lecturer is this ang moh guy with a foreign accent which was quite hard to understand..and he likes to ask random questions, ask fer examples fer everything and anyhow point at ppl to answer..he said he will tend to pick ppl with bright shirts man..so looks like have to wear blendy dull wallflower colours every monday. OH..no BROWN either....cos today he picked two ppl wearing brown..so i guess he must like that colour. lol. but..he is quite borin..

me and sook then went to vivo during our 4 hour break to eat and shop a lil. we should have been studyin i must admit..but..haha..enjoy b4 tutorials begin, then we wun ever get to do such stuff anymore.

PSYCH lecturer is also an ang moh, but i think he is british. thank god he doesn't have a thick british accent..in fact..i think he sounds like his accent is becomin 'singaporeanised'. he was lecturing on biological psych today...which basically is no different from studying the brain in bio. he admitted that none of the lecturers really wanted to teach biological psych, cos they noe that the students hate it(since most of us are art students, thus we're not scientifically inclined). i duno whether he is borin or mebe it's just the content that he is teaching that makes him appear borin..but..the buzz in the lecture hall was louder than usual that's fer sure..had the strong urge to shout out "SHUDDUP LA!" but of course...i would never.

took some sights of school with my phone(which i learnt in new media is an example of convergence - cause ur phone isn't just a phone anymore, it's a camera too!) argh! social science subs really help u see things in a diff light! it's cool!

the music conservatory

random sky after psych lec

2008 gala opening concert

robert redford, kiri te kanawa, veinna boys choir, academies festival orchestra

18th october

esplanade concert hall

WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME?

first week @ NUS

2008-08-15T21:24:00.003+08:00

lotsa trees have been murdered on my behalf

So, the first week of school at NUS is over now..and i wouldn't exactly say that i'm through the 'break-in period', since i only went school like 3 days this week..which really was the whole plan to begin with! to have a 3 day week! but...since my dear fwens zinc and snail, are too lazy to join me fer tutorials on wednesday morning, i finally gave in to putting socio tutorial on TUESDAY...which totally ruins my beautiful timetable..sian.

i think that so far, my modules are all pretty interesting, except maybe south asia. it seems a lil bit dry fer me..and i just know that i will have much much much difficulty remembering the names of stuff - like places, ppl, terms - soooo...haish..better than lit though...that one was really...ahhh..to put in plainly, when the lecturer was talking, what was going through my mind was literally: "ajvvbjkadffnvhIUH(#*rhefvjnd*&^$*#^kjfjhskakjasfiusaufyf9Dfd7f6dD%^DS^&F*asdg". btw..it's not swearin or anything....my mind was a jumbled confused mess..yea. New Media was ok..though still not sure exactly what we're gonna be studying, psych was very interesting! to me at least...others found it borin and weird. socio was ok...the lecturer talk like bullet train..but had the most notes to take down out of all the mods fer the first lecture. finally..Singapore studies..sounds very interesting..lotsa stuff the lecturer brought up which i've thought about a lot before...like singapore POLITICS and stuff...MUAHA..the lecturer is also super super super lame and quite anal. but funny man.

zinc accompanied me to singapore society lecture today...cos if not i would be all alone fer it..and we were playing some stupid thing with our web cams...taking screen shots and all that..as seen below:

we also bought most of our course texts and course packs..i've got them all already except the singapore society one. man....carry until siao la..i think my shoulder is lop-sided now..horrible la! the text and readings are like sooooooooo thick...and it's not just thick please...like...they print TWO pages per side of paper...and the words are like SO SO SO FREAGIN SMALL!!!!!

and this is like only fer one semester...*diex

but anyway...changing subject fer a while..SINGAPORE TABLE TENNIS GIRLS TEAMS GOING INTO FINALS MAN!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOT!!!!! go singapore go! go singapore go! Feng T W is like super super super pro! though the korean girl she was fightin against was also very pro...her defense was like...WAaaaahHhhHHhhhh. none the lesss, SINGAPORE WON!!! and gorsh...they're gonna be fighting cheena china! but it's so interestin...because the singapore team...including the coach...are like...all from china..sooooooo..haha..shan't say more. i'm not expecting singapore to win gold of course..that of course would go to china...as it ALWAYS does. but i do believe in miracles. =)

2008-08-10T21:06:00.002+08:00

i think this test is really quite accurate..it's kinda cool. i really wonder how they can figure out ppl's personalities with all these weird questions..maybe i'll learn about it in psych! oh...and TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AT NUS!!! HOW EXCITED AM I!!!!! hehehehe.

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

take the test too!
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

shoe!

2008-08-08T12:37:00.005+08:00

i designed my own shoe fer school!

thinking that we might start a business - custom designing head to toe apparel. =)

happy birthday to you

high school musical on ice

2008-08-05T23:29:00.003+08:00

WHO IS TAKING ENGLISH LIT 1101 AT NUS?!?!?!?!?!

PLEASE LEAVE ME A TAG!!!!!!

i hate being all alone for lectures
tutorials too..

so just now was at EXPO with shang and seow watching high school musical on ice. we had free tickets through shang's connections at SPH. working for all these media companies sure is coool, get lotsa awesome freebies..and always get some of the best seats. ours was like front view 3rd row from the front..so could see very clearly.

i would just like to comment on the ridiculous singaporean behaviour at such shows. the show started on time, which is excellent, but bladdy singaporeans were still streaming in like herds of sheep..and those herds like only started to diminish like at least 15 minutes into the show!!! like what the hell is wrong with these ppl...and to make matters worse, they stand right in front of others, don't sit in the seats allocated to them, rather try and STEAL better seats which they THINK are empty, then are forced to move after, thus, they have to stand up again, and block ppl's view!!! there was this stupid ol' aunty who was like standing in front of us fer like 5 minutes...WHILE THE SHOW WAS ALREADY GOING ON!!!!!! OMG!!!! i mean, i'm not a perfect model citizen or what, but such behaviour just makes me wanna roll up some some newspaper and bludger these ppl to death...

the same goes for ppl who stand and talk right in the middle of the coridoor, in front of escalator landings and other crowded spaces. as well as ppl who walk so freagin damn slow on a busy pathway..HELL lor..what's wrong with this country..OHYEA!! AND PPL WHO SPIT ALL OVER THE PLACE IN PUBLIC, EVEN IF IT IS INTO A DUSTBIN!!! at the expo, we were walking when this stupid ol aunty starting coughing up her bodily shit, making that disgusting scratchy sound like she's about to cough up a hairball, and then she spat into the dustbin, and we saw the shit like bloop outta her mouth... i swear, i almost puked.. like...DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE PLEASE!!! IN THE TOILET, INTO A TISSUE...have some decency.

argh..ok. so all that aside, the show was pretty nice...though ppl who have never seen the movie might have a little trouble following..'troy' fell down a few times, but he covers it really welll...as though the fall was intended. haha..they must practice how to cover falls. yea..but it was nice. full of kids..corny dialogue..but nice. =)

biddin

2008-08-01T11:52:00.003+08:00

i hate bidding for modules...
gets ppl so stressed out before school even starts.
DAMN YOU NUS BIDDING SYSTEM!!!

here are the modules i hope to get:
1. communications, new media and society
2. introduction to psychology
3. making sense of society
4. south asia: people, culture and development
5. Singapore society

so far, no. of bidders has exceeded vacancy count for no. 1, 2 and 4. Thus, there will be ppl who will not get the module..and i really do not want to be one of those ppl man. PLEASE!!! if i dun get one of the modules, it means my 3 day timetable will be screwed up!!! oh man..stressed like shit..will noe results by tonight..argh.

there are lotsa NYJCians in FASS

2008-07-28T15:32:00.003+08:00

there are a lot a lot alotta NYJCians in NUS FASS

what are all of them doing there? i mean, like some i'm really glad to see, like mel, kaixian, certain other familiar faces. but there are those..like when i left NYJC, i was glad to kinda be rid of them..so what the hell are they all doing there?!?!?! aiya..no matter..

went for registration and matriculation today..lotsa ppl, who kept throwing stuff at us..brochures, bags, what have you..was holdin on to so many things till i dropped all my coins on the floor..tsk tsk tsk. pai seh man...lucky got ppl help me pick..if not i'll feel like some beggar down there. there were all the CCA booths set up also..and me and sook chan tried our hardest to zoom through the whole thing...who knew that the pathway was soo soo soo long..so twas inevitable that we got swarmed..except at all the sports booths...cos OBVIOUSLY, we dun look like the sporty type ppl (is that a good or bad thing?) i did sign up fer a few stuffs namely all the art and christian related ones.. yay. =)

after that sat down at the staircase to wait fer serene and tze..did some ppl watching. all i can say is that FASS is FULL of girls. which is probably why my brother thinks it's so 'happening'..

i miss seow ling and shangyi..haven't seen em in a long long time..that was random. ok. bye.

2008-07-25T11:45:00.004+08:00

' n o ' 'nothing'

that's a double negative

no photos

no interests

no events

no emotions

no words

yes.

no nothing

how contradictory

i lie

there are lots of emotions

minimal events worth talking about

Wednesday

SYF opening ceremony was lame..award winners were asked to report at 1345 when the actual thing started only at 5. and what did we do in between? had one stupid rehearsal which really consisted of lining up, standing, walking, hearing your name, climbing stairs, shaking a hand, touching a piece of paper and bowing. so i suppose by everybody's BriLLiAnT calculation, all the 'work' would take..oh i duno..3 hours?!?!?! well it didn't, so what else did we do to fill the beautiful time, oh yea! SITTING! and oh, did i mention the lack of chairs in the waiting room(which was microscopic btw). so it was 100 ppl sitting in their fine garb on the wonderful floor..how prestigious...

the exhibition part was ok though, only because all 3 teachers were there and reunited again..i 4got how nice it was when they're all together..they were all running around, crappin and taking funny photographs. =) i also managed to clinch the title of 'bambi' for some reason..something to do with how i hop around..was also called a 'lost deer' at some point..mrs ng sure lives up to her reputation as an expert nickname allocator. made a new friend(or aquintance)..one of the MOE scholars going to goldsmiths..felt a tinge of envy..but could tell she was a very nice person, and i liked her a lot based on first impression..told her i would visit them in london next year. she appeared thrilled. also caught up with ms yeo, my sec 3 art teacher..told her bout my recent woes, and she sounded the most sympathetic out of anybody i've ever told. when i told her i wouldn't even be studyin art, she said all the hairs on her back was standing..she said that i should have just appealed and appealed..she sounded real upset bout it. haish. well..i'm so grateful to finally have someone who can sorta share almost the same kind of disappointment for me..i really needed that support..thanks miss yeo..

left the exhibition with my parents feeling like there was a huge hole somewhere in my soul..wasn't exactly sure what that was all about..but i'm over it now..

a series of eventful events..

2008-07-20T22:24:00.011+08:00

Oh to be bored and lonely..

i can't really remember what i've been doing the whole past week..except that there's been serious and i mean SERIOUS slacking, and facebooking. yes, my facebook is finally alive, after being terribly stagnant for like half a year. wheee..

Monday

oh yes! lucky i keep a schedule so i can remember what i've done..i went for Med checkup at NUS on monday morning. my bro drove me there, since he was going fer Varsity Christian camp. i was like one of the first ppl there, 3rd to be exact..so everything moved along very quickly, doctors were still in a pleasant mood. first was eye test which i must have passed with flying colours..then i had to pee in a cup (and on my hand..like eww)..then blood pressure before having to get molested by a doctor (female one of course), and then x-ray(where u DO have to remove ur bra btw..icky) yes...but overall, it was not all that bad..and i'm starting to really embrace my fate of studying in NUS..it's gonna be fun. My brothers are all really nearby, engineering and business are like right next to FASS..so happening!

ok, after med checkup, tze and sook chan appeared at my front door with the motive of using my internet for free..then we went to NY, to collect SGC, then made our way to Sentosa to sit the sky ride and LuGe!!! me and sook chan ended up not sitting the luge, just the sky ride, because we both had serious phobias of banging into things..so we just took the sky ride. =) it was fun, screamed most of the way and could barely move, but yea, twas really fun.

then it's off to the beach for camwhoring!!!

Friday

went to watch 'the dark knight' with shangyi and seow ling! okk..I LOVEEEEE the new batmans..the ones with christian bale as batman..because they're so much more realistic ('socio-realistic' - as quoted from andre), unlike previous few which were all quite...cheesy? yea..i love the whole moody feel the entire film kinda has..it's dark, and the joker is really...COOL (though at times chillingly creepy and violent) and the gadgets and stuff are even better! how the motorcycle like detatches itself from the batmobile..AWESOME!!! hehehe! and the fight scenes are so nice to watch too..so cool how batman fights without using weapons..it's like wham wham wham..HEHE. ok..plus batman is hot.. =)

ate lunch at sakae sushi, and started some porno photoshoot in the middle of the restauraunt..IT WAS SEOW LING'S IDEA! i feel embarrassed to put the following photos up...but for fun's sake..DON'T JUDGE!!! our lips aren't touching AT ALL!!!

we also went to esplanade jendala to check out the UOB painting of the year winners! heard that the judging was a lot more strict this year..probably why NY din win any..and a lot of the winning entries for youth category looked very similar in terms of style lor. apparently the judges like that kind of photoshopped blocky colour effect..if u asked me..the winning entries needed more diversity...DOTX..hehe. o wellx.

ok the end.

i predict..

2008-07-16T21:54:00.005+08:00

i predict that my blog will soon be very stagnant.

this is because i finally started up my facebook, so i'm spending most of my time and effort there..with uploading pictures and all. cause uploading pics takes a long time, and it's tedious..so i really can't be bothered to upload the same stuff in two places. but i will try my best..to keep the blog aliveeeee...

so anyway..it's been a great past days now that i've stopped workin and all, had time to meet up with friends..which is especially useful since it was my birthday weekend. =) so i recieved several little celebrations which i'm so thankful for. i feel so blessed and happy to have fwens who even bother to organise lil things, get presents..hehehex..THANK YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN.

so these are my bday gifts fer this year:

sara and jan - montage, homemade necklace & cookies!

mum and dad - cat t-shirts and make-up! lol.

from belize - homemade book and pouch containing coconut sweets!

from esther - art box book and post its!

from random gang - island shop bag!

from shang and seow - instant camera! (they actually remembered me talking bout how i liked the effect..and they got it for me..SOBX..so touched..)

jingwen - cat pendant!

and of course, the best gift of all, was to have all those ppl around celebrating with me..SOBxx..thank you.

ANYWAY, on my 5th official slacker day, i brought buddie baby to bishan park to meet up with shang and seow fer a while..supposedly to skate, but when i got there, they were all done already..so just walked around..let shang stare at buddie and get all excited and swoon over him, while allowing seow to warm up to breathing and yes..FLESHY animals. they DO have flesh under their fur u noe...in the end she actually was good enough to hold his leash and run with him! wow! *applause**

ate lunch then they came home to my place where we slacked around..because the recliners in my house are so useful. watched tv and played xbox the whole afternoon, almost fell asleep at one point..then were screaming and shouting at the games..so funny. after that went to each dinner at chomp chomp, a very unhealthy dinner, before going to the park to swing and 'watch porno display'...if u noe what i mean..=)

and that's how i spent the 5th day of occuptation - slackerism

feeling loved..<3

2008-07-14T23:33:00.003+08:00

another Birthday season is over.

i'm 19 going on 20 now.

the teen years are almost over.

i would like to thank everyone who remembered and wished me a happy birthday before, on, and after.

Joan, Jing Wen, Belize, Sher Ling, Seow Ling, Inn Poh, Tze Yin, Xinli, Claudyne, Esther, Janice, Huay Han, Sook Chan, Andre, Shangyi, Zongxia, Pauline, Sara, Mindy, Fengji, Minwei.

Thank you so much.

For the gifts, the outings and just your presence, Thank you even more..

you guys are priceless in my life.

thank you.

19th bday

2008-07-12T23:12:00.004+08:00

i'm 19 today!

first thing i did on my bday? send my friend off at the airport. so sad right..i almost didn't make it in time to see her one last time b4 she disappears for ONE WHOLE YEAR!!! she waited fer me, gave her a big hug and a sayonara card, and then, she was gone. moped slowly back to T2 where i saw esther...who didn't make it in time to see her..haish. DAMN SAD PLEASE..so kept each other company fer breakfast to keep our minds from wandering and feeling sad..bye claudyne..will so so so miss you..come back soon.

then my parents brought me fer bday lunch at thai restauraunt. ate sharks fin soup, a big bowl to myself. haish..and yes, i do feel kinda bad..eating sharks and all..argh. but it was yummy. came home and cut my cake and opened my present. =) my 2 brothers were NOT around fer the celebration..AREN"T I LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH BROTHERS..rarara.

birthday durian!!!

then in the evenin went to meet jan and sara at AMK hub fer dinner. they were 30 minutes later (with a good reason i guess)..left me hanging around all lonely..worse cos i 4got to bring my ipod. then still make me go line up at fish and co. by myself. i seriously hate to wait, so can imagine how annoyed i was the whole time. but no matter, that all disappeared when they finally appeared. we ate, they gave me presents. hehe..and they promised that they did not intend to embarras by getting the fish and co ppl to sing happy bday..(cos u all noe how enthu fish and co is about bdays). Then we cam whored...shopped a lil and went home. so here i am. =) happy and content.

last day of work

2008-07-11T23:24:00.003+08:00

i'm free

twas my last day at NY today. not that much more eventful than yesterday. was still pretty bored, though had a surprise visit from seehua! "hey seehua! long time no see." went to collect my beautifully packaged SGC while ms lye complained how come we got such a nice package, while in her day it was just flimsy sheets of paper..hmm..ponder ponder ponder. helped ms hew type out answer scheme frantically..she finished like literally seconds b4 lecture started..NOW we KNOW what happens in the teachers room b4 lecturesss...it ain't no walk in the park. slacked some more, ate chicken rice, played computer games, watched ms hew and ms lye prepare a practical joke, packed up all my crap in the teachers room and went home. haish..will miss the the teachers and students there, especially some of the J2s..but..i live so near, s can go back visit anytime really..

went to meet jing wen and belize in the evening for dinner at thai restauraunt. they gave me bday presents. awww...feel so happy. crapped around...they are still as crappy as ever, and it's almost like we were back in secondary school, just still feel so comfortable around them even after not seeing them fer so long! that's really nice..to have friends that u can just click so well with. =)

chickpoo is so retarded

belizee...BE the coconut

WEAR the coconut

after that we went shopping around orchard..bought a ton of stuff. spotted shangyi's beloved coveted shoes at pull and bear on SALE!!! so had to buy it fer her! so that, and i bought a new laptop bag, red with handles and an ipod holder too since my parents keep complainng bout the one i bought b4. yea..then went home. but it was so so so much fun hanging out with them. haish..can i keep em forever...<3>

grey ties grey skies

2008-07-10T23:07:00.002+08:00

it's funny how i hate you

tomorrow is my last day of work. about time, since i pretty much have NOTHING to do in school these days. maybe i'm just useless..i certainly feel pretty useless over there..and that's a lousey feeling, which brings certain light to the concept that being bored and idol is way way worse than being busy. thus, i can't wait till school starts and i can start being busy again.

i had a real bad time in school today anyway..i was quite lonely and feeling really introvert all day. having one of those stupid mood swings again. they seem to happen a lot lately..made dinner plans with shang and seow so at least that was something to look forward to at the end of a bad day. left school early and went home first to put down my laptop and other heavy stuffs. walked out to the bus stop and the weather was really nice..not in the typical way, but in the way i like it..beautiful grey skies, impending rainstorm, whispering wind..perfectly emo and melancholic - like me i guess.

it then started to pour before the bus came and the damn roof of the bus stop was leaking. nice lil lady shared her umbrella with me. wow..that was realy nice to meet a friendly singaporean..cos singaporeans are usually so freakishly sour faced..

met shang and seow at shokudo at citylink. food was alrite..din really enjoy cause i guess we weren't that hungry. talked a bit, laughed a bit, argued a bit, saw qiyang too..then went to wallet shop but it was closed already. siao la..where got shop close so early..damn slackers..anyway, spotted awesome crocs shoes that cost $80 but i absolutely MUST have!!! oh well, so since everything was closing, went home lor..besides..shang was very tired..poor thing. REST WELL SHANG!!!

so that's it fer today. must get ready fer another lonely day at work tomorrow. nobody to pei me...keep getting pang seh-ed. argh. hate myself.

to my foes

2008-07-09T21:35:00.002+08:00

A Poison Tree

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine.
And she knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

William Blake

test test graffiti

2008-07-08T22:27:00.004+08:00

went to work at like 0830 this morning. damn...first time i go so freagin early..was super duperly tired. the reason why i went so early was that i wanted to see seow ling give her 'inspirational' speech...WHICH I STILL MISSED anyway..sian..how i noe she givin it at assembly..but i heard she made ppl laugh..and said typical 'arts ppl' statements..which may only be inspirational for arts ppl. hehe. but sure she did a good job and lotsa ppl were inspired. mr quek is so proud that she is going to smu law. waha..that's her basic introduction lately - "this is seow ling - FUTURE LAWYER".

so anyway, used the extra time that i was there to help ms hew test out how to graffiti..cheng and seow too. it's much harder than it seems..and we were anyhow spraying everywhere..seow with her strange mcdonald clouds...and ms hew's ACCIDENTAL discovery on how to create texture..it was all pretty funny. we let the J1s experiment afterwards..

no, this is not an ugly bra. they are facemasks. to protect us from the horrible smell. i'm sure everybody went home with like gas poisoning or something. you could literally see the paint hazing up the the whole area. could smell it yards away..

sleeping cheng has spectators..

cheng's furry fwens

"STUPID MONKEY!!!! DIE!! DIE !!!"

timbreeeeee

2008-07-07T16:34:00.004+08:00

Sunday

met up with the sec 1 / 2 clique - sara, jan, claud , esther and mindy(M.I.A). The plan was to have dinner, hang out, have some drinks at some bar, and of course to bid farewell to our dear cloudy..who's going off to australia to study finance..poo. it was then that i started to realise how sad it really is to have ur fwens leave ur side..knowing that u might not see them again fer years, and years. and it's like i dun really see claud so much while she's here anyway, but i still felt really heavy after we said goodbye. which got me to thinking, omg..how shitty will i feel when shang flies off..THANK GOD claud and shang are the only 2 ppl that i'm close to that are flying off...still, it feels like a great big loss for me..

anyhoo..had dinner at 'azabu sabo' or however u spell it at marina. crapped bout some lame shit and laughed a lot. then spent quite a while at zara which was having sale, dug through piles of rags-*(i call em rags cause shops usually try to sell off old stock suring sales) - and bought 2 identical tops, but diff colour, and pants(strangely i've shrunk to a size 24..) nvm..i think we must have spent like an hour there pickin out stuff and trying...haha. was fun though..nice to have shopping partners who are actually just as into all the clothes as u are. =)

next, we then tried to find our way to this bar called timbre..which is located like somwhere between city hall and dhoby gaut. we were like following claudyne...and we got to this junction and no timbre in sight. then we were like - "CLOUD! where the hell is it la???" and she pointed to like this bunch of trees..and we all went at the same time - "in the trees?". which was funny, cos the place is called 'timbre' or if u want, u can pronounce it 'timber' or whatever..haha. you had to be there to enjoy the full impact of the lame joke, but movinggg onnnn...we then walked through this dark pathhhh and into this dark carpark.....b4 hearing some signs of bar scene. so we got there in the end. it was crowded..atmosphere was nice though it was warm and humid(what can u exppect..it's Singapore).

there was a live band!

Oopx. guess sara and esther weren't ready fer the shot.

posing with our drinks! can't remember what everybody had, but i had lime margarita, sara had lychee freeze and esther had something called tuttu. lol.

when coming home there was some drama because i lost my ez link card somewhere in between city hall and serangoon station. had to pay exit fee of 2 dollars. then MORE drama when i got home..part of my house blacked out. and the part of the house which blacked out just so happened to be the part where my room and bathroom is...soooooo...i had no lights. cool. argh. but overall twas a solid day. =)

Today

woke up feeling so draggy. called janice out to far east for lunch and shopping. we bought shirts! with the same pattern! so fun...shall wear together next time. also bought a bucket bag and plain canvas high tops...getting ready fer school..so fun! accompanied her to clark quay where her work was...but it was raining damn heavily. had to cross the road in the horrible rain...and just from crossing that one small road, we weree drenched...everywhere except our faces..lol. worst part was the feet. shoes were canvas..and was wearing socks. so had to go home with smushy shoes...so gross.

and my grandma is still in intensive care. now we're starting to get worried...

finding closure

2008-07-05T14:15:00.009+08:00

i think i am finally finding closure.

i'm looking forward to holidaying in london,

without feeling the loss of not living there.

the FASS modules of the coming semester are up,

and that's got me all excited.

i guess i will be ok afterall. besides, i dun think i'm cut out to be a teacher. i was confused and all whether or not i was, but guess not. anyway, i can't effing stand MOE..they're so brainless and full of crap (yea. i'm just personally angry with them), so not getting the scholarship is probably a huge blessing, cos i wun have to work under them, and i swear, i will NEVER work in the civil service..EVER (unless severely threatened). ok. i bet eveyone is so sick of me ranting bout the same thing over and over. promise this is the last time.

anyway. today is saturday. and it's a pretty lonely saturday i must say. Seow Ling is out of the country - building sandcastles, getting stung by jellies in bintan. Shangyi is at OBS (or 'scholars torture school') till monday. Janice is a workaholic. and i'm not quite sure what's up with sara. WHAT'S UP SARA???? both my brothers are out, my parents are obviously having some kind of quarrel, cos they're not talking. So, i'm just reclining on my bed, locked in my room, cooking my brains in front of my laptop.

So besides spending the past 2 days vetting through 17 - 200 word writeups for the J1s UOB Painting submission (most of which i had to rewrite, change grammar, sentence structure, vocab; some also OBVIOUSLY didn't put much effort into it) so if they don't bother to put in effort, why am i cracking my brain to write a good one for them?!?!??! i swear..somewhere along the line, my brains imploded. watever.

Monday i was off from work, so went with shang and seow to the bird park. hadn't been there in a long long time. twas fun, but the weather was so freagin hot. SHIT! i hate hot humid weather, which is a real bummer, since i live in Singapore. woop di doo.

just comparing SL's 'man hands' to mine.

happy bday shang.

2008-06-29T22:37:00.007+08:00

Today is SHANGYI's birthday!

we celebrated it yesterday though. So excuse the previous EMO entry. ppl keep complaining. so i shall now write about more cheery stuff!

Yesterday was a very eventful day. in the morning, me, shang, seow, mei hung, huayhan and xinli came to help out with ms lye's shelter painting activity project thing at labrador park(which btw, is very inaccessible) we painted jellyfishies while another group painted crabbies. it was pretty fun..though xm couldn't make it, and POOR ANDRE FELL DOWN ON HIS WAY THERE and FRACTURED something! omg..ms lye joked saying he has forgotten how to walk on level ground..lol..cos of all the jumping off planes and stuff. =) anyway, after it was done, some went to play frisbee for a while before we headed to vivo to lunch.

strange spider we spotted..

awww..sl looks so kiddy happy and cute.

frisbee tutorial from our new friend.

We went to eat at secret recipe. ms lye and ms hew were there too. yumyum food..ms lye's treat! OH..felt bad..heard the bill was over $100!!! for 8 people! shouldn't have ordered drinks if we'd known. haha. but sadly, me, shang, hh and seow had to zippy off in a hurry right after lunch to try and get to esplanade for cheng hong's piano recital. this is how much trouble we were in. her recital started at 3pm, and we were still sittin in the restauraunt at 2:50pm. can u imagine how we had to rush! ran to the mrt station and stopped at clark quay and then ran some more, carrying HEAVY BAGGAGE, all the way pass supreme court and even across the padang, where they were having cricket match. we must have looked damn spare crossing lor. we reached at 3:20pm, but we'd ,missed cheng's performance. haish. so sad, but we sat down to enjoy the rest of it. at the same time, allowed the ppl around us to enjoy the warmth and stench radiating from our sweaty bodies. lol.

Then finally headed to East Coast Park. first thing we did was to lay out sl's sheet on the first nice spot we saw and lazed around till it was all dark. took tons of pictures of twilight. BEAUTIFUL!!! gave shang her present, she "CRIED" through the whole thing. so farnii. but twas so nice just sitting there with the breeze and the atmosphere and the wonderful company. =)) after dinner, we walked GREAT DISTANCES all the way to big splash in anticipation of fireworks display, but we were cheated..so nvm, hung around at the bus stop before being pleasantly surprised that sl's bro was willing to send us all home...OMG!!! THAT IS SO NICE OF HIM! cos today i asked my brother if he would and u noe what he said?? he said, "do i have a crush on one of ur fwens?" SEE! my brother needs a condition to do such a nice thing lor. omg...SL! ur brother is damn nice. THANK YOU!!!

Haha..so really, it was such a great day! though somehow i felt like most of it was spent walking and running around..but as long as it's done with good company, it's painless! though today i woke up and couldn't really move..or stand up, or sit down, or climp up or down stairs. lol. HEHEx. all i can say is, spending time with ppl u love is super priceless. =)

i need closure.

2008-06-27T21:59:00.004+08:00

i am paranoid

or perhaps just dangerously intuitive

i have been having terrible mood swings lately. i find being left alone with my thoughts extremely dangerous, cos a lot of the time, i get stricken with some sort of mad anger, eventually leading to me smashing something, or ramming some body part into a wall or floor. It seems the happenings of the past few months, although all has already come to an end, has drastically, and perhaps permanently fractured my spirit and nature. i still find myself having to deal with the psychological aftermath of my anger, extreme disappointment, and sadness on a daily basis. i have yet to find closure, but i predict that this closure i may never truly find. i loathe myself.

anyway. for now, i must eat my emotions. i have to do certain things with good intention but inevitable bitterness. i want to do them, but can't help feeling my own pain and sourness whilst doing them. if u're confused bout what i'm trying to say, it's probably better this way.

i finished wrapping shangyi's birthday gift. i'm so proud of my workmanship that i had to take a picture.

and this is just something me and cheng hong spotted on thursday at work. some random thing which we found damn funny. enjoy.

please forgive me for my emo-ness.

buddie eats brocolli!

2008-06-22T21:43:00.002+08:00

MY BABY EATS BROCCOLI!!!

now broccoli is good fer my baby, as well as for all doggies out there because it helps them to keep their teeth nice and clean and shiny! and clean teeth means a clean mouth, and a clean mouth means perfect smelling doggy breath. and we all like fresh smelling breath, whether comin from people or our little doggies and kitties. so let ur babies(doggies) eat broccoli STEMS today! just the STEMS. it may take a little coaxing, cos it dun smell too nice to them, but once they start biting into it, they'll taste the yummy sweetness! and they'll gobble it up real quick! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! and it's gone. HEHE!

dogs also LOVE<3<3<3 peanut butter!

once again..gone

2008-06-18T21:33:00.002+08:00

aunty flew home today

it's so irritatin. i'm always so happy when she comes. and it's the same old wonderful routine. go out almost everyday to town to shop, or just laze around at home with her around. whatever it is, no matter how mundane, it's always fun, and i'm always happy. i duno what it is that makes me so glad that she's here. then, as the days pass, and the remaining days she has with us become lesser and lesser, i start a dreaded countdown..and those last few days..just fly by. and the night before i know she leaves, i never sleep.

so this morning she left. i knew i had to send her off, even though it might've been easier not to..had to say goodbye..even though it's so hard..every time. the only thing that kept me together after she disappeared into the departure hall was the adrenaline rush triggered by my being late for work..like i said, work distracts me pleasantly..

she's still in the plane now. a 24 hour flight back to canada. she'll touch down at toronto at aproximately 11am tomorrow mornin, singapore time. haish. what's the point of calculating all these things, i wunt see her again till next year. i know i'll get over it soon, like i always do, but while the missin lasts, it's sad, and sore..and i think bout all the crap i have to go through b4 she comes again..and i feel sooo...pleh.

I MISS MY AUNTY!!!

come back soon..

NEW LAPTOP!

2008-06-15T20:22:00.002+08:00

!!!!NEW LAPTOP!!!!

O baby!!! so me, bro, papa and mama dragged ourselves down to suntec to take a look at the PC fair going on, even though we knew that it'd be bloody crowded and full of irritating singaporeans. but no matter, we have ta get new laptops sooner or later, so must as well be now and take advantage of the great prices. so after a major Car Horn competition in the carpark, we received divine blessings - when we saw a free spot right in front of us. zoom zoom zoom!

ok. the strange thing was, we didn't even step into the actual PC fair at the convention centre. we were walking there, when we saw all these other PC shops taking advantage of the PC fair crowd, and they had even BETTER prices than the PC fair!!! woowoo! so we went ta take a look and got an awesome deal fer a like $100 cheaper. aint that swell..

so me and gor settled on the dell inspiron 4120- 250GB Hard drive, 3GB Ram, 14' screen, 3year warranty(in comparison with 1 year at PCfair), free 24 month antivirus, hm..lotsa other stuff but can't remember. anyway, of course the highlight was we get to choose out of lotsa nice colours!!! as seen below. gor chose navy blue, i chose white! hehehe. all ready to go to school. =) i also got this super cute mouse which is in the shape of a fish or something..the right and left click are the eyess....OOooo...so happy!

newleaf

2008-06-14T21:29:00.003+08:00

2012

supposedly, 2012 is the year of armageddon. i doubt so. cos god said "it will come when we least expect it". so if everybody is expecting it to come in 2012, then it probably won't. unless everyone thinks like me, in which case, it might very well be in 2012. so o well..it's scarey if u think about it. 2012 is only 4 years away..i'd still be finishing up uni..wouldn't have gotten the chance to travel the world like i've dreamt, to fulfill long desired dreams..it'd be quite unfortunate to think that i wouldn't be able to live my earthly life to its' fullest..then again, if it's not my generation, then it'd just be another generation of ppl like me in the future who wouldn't be able to live their lives..so..must as well be me..and you.

so hey everybody..half of 2008 is already gone, and i spent most of it fighting pointlessly for a dream which i must now store quietly at the back of my closet. in this short half year, i've probably cried more times then i have in the past 10 years..believe it or not..even including last year(i cried many times last year too). but all that is hopefully in the past. besides..i think crying is liberating..i kinda like to cry really. so how have the rest of u spent the first half of 2008? fruitfully i hope.

recently, i've fallen in love...with a gem stone. it's called morganite..ok..it all started with the whole hooha bout my mum's aquamarine ring..aquamarine being her birthstone, and i love it so much. but i can't copy her..and my birth stone is like...RUBY...which is like..pretty ugly. ok..it's not ugly, i just do not like dark coloured stones...cos they look ah-ma-ish and cheena. so i set of on a mission to find a stone that i love and that i can signature..and i was walking past all the shops at people's park...that building with all the jewelery shops, and there was only one shop with this awsomely wonderful, very clear, slightly pinky stone. and it was love at first sight. lol. so lame. but nvm. i love it so much because it looks like a pink diamond.. also cos it's rare, and well, it cost fairly more than normal stones...hehehehehe..MORGANITE! or PINK BERYL!

new hobbies

2008-06-12T21:34:00.003+08:00

taken keen interest in photography lately

i bought 'water babies'.

or whatever they're called.

they look like tiny little beads when u buy them.

but when u add water..

they grow.

they're so fun to touch and play with.

cheap thrill.

darkness

2008-06-11T09:37:00.004+08:00

8:30am darkness

i thought i was somewhere different

but i'm still here

attempt to be motivated..

2008-06-10T21:41:00.004+08:00

Success doesn't mean the absence of failures; it means the attainment of ultimate objectives. It means winning the war, not every battle.

it's so stupid that all my entries lately are just so sad and angry..even tze is complainin..even though she also got sad and angry posts all the time. you noe, just when u think u can't get any lower, u just do and i wonder..why!?!? why is this happening to me. was it not enough of a blow to have that door closed in my face, but to witness that exact same door being opened to someone else, in fact, the door is literally pulling her in...and it's not just someone, but it's a close fwen..and i'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder to deal with..

anyway..i'm dealing. it's not like ppl are making it any easier, talking bout how beautiful UK is right in my face..

my aunty is still here from canada. she's been here a week already and one more to go b4 she goes home..that'll be another sad thing..haish. alwas miss her when she leaves. all this misery in my life is really making me sick and pimply.. =( i duno if i'm looking forward to uni at all now..i still can't imagine what i'm going to be studyin..i still feel so lost..and now there's talk bout the end of the world being in 2012 or somethin...i'd be 23...way too young to die man..must as well just die now actually..since i dun feel like this life anyway..

that's my mum and aunt.

2008-06-07T21:20:00.002+08:00

i am soooooo trying to be happy for u...

but i really can't right now...

cos no one can imagine how totally SHITTY i feel

cos it's so ironic..

and soooo...

there are no words to fit the anguish.

like WTFUCK

2008-06-06T22:05:00.002+08:00

rant rant rant rant rant rant

i shall not curse and swear at a certain organisation so much rite now cos u noe what, i might get sued fer defamation and put in jail. cos that's the kinda place i'm living in. one which says we have freedom of speech but puts us in jail for saying something which might "ruin the peace".

what i will say is that they are one fucked up organisation, who give ppl everything but what they DON'T WANT or NEED.

i can't believe i'm living here.

to hell with this place.

i'm outta here as soon as i get the chance.

screwed up family

2008-06-03T22:24:00.004+08:00

my family is damn screwed up. my ah gong is throwing tantrums like a freagin CHILD..refusin to go places with us, even refused to go fer his WIFE'S 80th birthday. like wth. i noe i'm supposed to be filial and respect my elders and all that but this is totally ridiculous. i've heard how my mum, aunt and uncle had such a horrible childhood in his house, but now i see it first hand. like i'm PISSED with him la..over that STUPID STUPID thing?!?!??! he's thorwing tantrums fer like 3 weeks or more already lor. like how effing childish is that?!?!?! my dad can't be bothered with it, he says he's been tolerating it fer years...but like, my mum is so emotionally stressed and she din even do anything wrong..argh. what the hell is wrong with that man?!?!?!

ya..so he refused to go fer my ah ma's bday dinner tonite. all the better and no difference anyway, cos if he was there, it'd just be one black long face at the table. nobody likes that. As usual, the dinner was uber quiet and torturous..i had lunch at like 1530, so sitting through a 10 course meal...go figure. and i got a feeling my uncle and family thinks i'm some hopeless case..some stupid person who's not worth talking to. oh well...maybe i am.

i thought maybe if i got the scholarship and went to london, i can tell them - "YEA! i'm studying in london on scholarship'', maybe i'd get a little respect at least..or a little recognition for my achievements. but no. that's what u get fer being related to a born genius and his genius offspring. you become a nothing..even if u got good grades etc, it's really worth nothing when ur genius cousins are studying international baccaulerettes, studying in cambridge, studying medicine wherever...hopping all across the world while you can't even get the chance to taste london air.

to hell with it.

god's plan.

2008-06-03T17:28:00.005+08:00

"I know the plans i have for you" declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

-Jeremiah chapter 29, verse 11-

argh. help me to accept.

accept what lies ahead.

accept what i cannot change.

accept the dreams unfulfilled.

Thank you claudyne for this verse, reminding me of what's important. sometimes the plans we make for ourselves aren't always the plans that would necessarily lead us down the path that is right fer us in our lives.

My aunt is here from Toronto! yay! always so glad when she comes. pity my cuz didn't come along. miss him alot. he's alot of fun. =) anyway..she came at like 5am in the morning s haven't seen her yet..but will see tonite at long awkward silent dinner..hm.

Oh. i wuld like to say that guys are real pigs..some of them anyway. They think of girls as objects to be owned fer their own pathetic pleasure. and not just objects, but CHEAP objects. like wth. if u're so desperate to fuck something, go fuck a melon, dun think that we can be 'conquered' with cheap thrills and cheap words which dun mean shit. like seriously..SOME people think we are that stupid..disgustins. totally disgusting.

TAKE A HINT! if u dun see someone online anymore, if ur sms goes unanswered, OBVIOUSLY u are being avoided and cancelled out of that someone's life. you can't be that THICK rite?!?!??!?!

glad i finally got that out. oh. but not all guys are bad. just certain aquaintances and ppl i know of. so dear guy fwens, seriously no offence. =)

cook!!!

2008-06-01T21:49:00.002+08:00

i'm a genius la.

i made cheesecake jellies!

i'm a genius.

J1s are cute

2008-05-30T23:20:00.003+08:00

omg.

i think my J1s are so damn cute.

ok..so i think it's super fun working at NY..cos my J1 babies are so adorable..and so..psychotic? it's ok. art ppl are known to be nuts. i lub em!!! also i get to hang out in the teachers room all day with cheng doing tape art. we get to watch the rugby and soccer matches going on outside..cheerin inside, gossippin. it's damn fun and i feel so blessed. working during the hols is just..nice. =)

cheng!!! tapeart-ing.

So the J1s did some really lame stuff to keep themselves entertained whilst in the midst of their long painting hours. they like to make animal noises..so it really sounds like a zoo outside the art room most of the time, which reflects why on the first day, they labeled themselves after animals with masking tape on their backs. called themselves ''animal exhibits''. on the second day, they were "criminals". it's hilarious. i have all the pics, but the labels would be too small fer u to see so nvm. all i can say is that kao was names "horndog" on day 1, and "amateur porn star" on day 2. go figure.

but here are some othe pics i took fer your pleasure:

and now i have a tribute to me dear tutee - ms qianying, who unfortunately, has to paint lots of yusof ishaks for her lovely painting. so here's some of the yusof ishaks she drew(as reference fer the actual ones she has to PAINT). hehe. it's so cute la! first one looks like picasso.

YOU CAN DO IT QIANYING!!!

anyway. on an end note, i would like to thank everybody who showed such concern fer me when i was so freagin down. i know i din talk much to some about it, but it really meant so much that u cared to ask me if i was ok. THANK YOU MY DEARS! LOVE U ALL SO MUCH! <3

panoramaaa

2008-05-27T23:00:00.003+08:00

view from the top!

i'm fine

2008-05-26T23:48:00.004+08:00

oh ppl

i'm absolutely FINE

i'm not so upset anymore about my loss. The reason why i was so upset i guess was because at the time when it had just happened, i was devastated at losing my dream. I had prayed so hard that god give me my will, that i realise what i was really praying was that i wanted my will to be god's will as well..but i guess it wasn't. so naturally, being a stupid human, i cursed and sweared and was angry at him..cos i didn't get what i prayed for. BUT..i guess i can only live in comfort knowing that he will give me whatever he knows is best fer me, not necessarily what i think is best fer me.

and also, i guess there was a minute amount of relief that i wouldn't have to face some of the insecurities there were haunting me if i did get to go. i mean....it would have been WONDERFUL, i would have been ECSTATIC. but some of my fears were to do with of course the bond, whether i'd be able to handle teaching full blow, whether i would be able to deal with it after having so much difficulty with relief teachin at sec school. JC is no walk in the park either...cos i know i'm being taken care of NY now, but it'll be a whole diff ball game when i get into it fer real. and also whether i'd be able to do good in the fine arts course at goldsmiths, whether i'd be able to make good work on my own..yea.

at NUS i would also have my 2 brothers around..oldest would be on the same campus..other one somewhere in business and engineerin...but they'd be around none the less..feel secure knowing that. it'd be quite fun, provided they dun PS me.

yea..i'm just consoling myself. but i honestly do feel a lot better. how would i then satisfy my deep desire to go to london??? holiday there in december during shang's term break, and enjoy the city as a tourist rather than a student. =) start saving...

MEANWHILE, on an entirely different note, J1s have started that UOB painting project! so here are some photos from todays activity! enjoy!

discuss discuss...

kao's..dress?

there's that dirty look that i always get!

QIANYING!!! YOU CAN DO IT!

screwed

2008-05-24T23:07:00.002+08:00

dunt worry shangyi, adm is the last place i will go. for pro adm-ers, i really have nothing against adm, it's just personally not fer me..so i get so pissed off when ppl come and tell me to go adm, that it will open lotsa doors, it's just another form of fine art, i can always go on exchange programs. SHUT UP! going on an exchange program is HARDLY the same as studying there full time and they noe it. And WHy the HELL should i go to study in ADM when i have no interest in design what so ever. for goodness sake, why should i take something just because it's REMOTELY related to what i really want to study. SERIOUSLY..

i am in a state of utter resentment towards 'the ministry', my parents and ppl who tell me that it's not a big deal and i should just accept it. IT DOESN"T HELP to tell me that.

MY PARENTS KEEP SAYING TAT THEY WILL HAVE A CONVERSATION BOUT IT WITH ME BUT THEY HAVEN"T. THEY HAVE ACCEPTED MY STATE WHILE I HAVEN"T. THEY KEEP SAYING I CAN ALWAYS STUDY ART LATER IN MY LIFE. BUT WHY SHOULD I STUDY SOMETHING ELSE WHICH I HAVE NO INTEREST IN, FORCE MYSELF TO STUDY IT..FOR 4 FREAGIN YEARS. THE 4 YEARS WHICH WOULD DETERMINE MY LIFE. OF ALL THE YEARS OF MY EDUCATION, THESE ARE THE ONES WHICH MATTER AND I HAVE TO BE STUCK WITH A COURSE WHICH IS SECONDARY TO ME. WHAT THE HELL IS HEAVEN TRYING TO DO. WHY IS HEAVEN SCREWING WITH MY LIFE?!?!??!?!?!?!

i'm done with the sad stage of my withdrawal..apparently i have entered the 'hate everybody, spit on everything' stage, where i'm just so totally fucking angry with all the the things which i wanted, but can't have. all the things which i have achieved BUT ARE WORTH SHIT! because they can't even lead me on the path which seems so totally right fer me. WHAT WORTH IS 4 STUPID As?!?!??!?!

i know many of you will read this is wonder what the hell i'm complaining about..i got my As, i can pretty much go whereever i want. but no, cos i've been cursed with ART as my passion, my interest, and my hobby, and been cursed to have this interest in a place such as Singapore where Artists have absolutely NO fuTUre. NO ONE WANTS TO INVEST IN AN ARTIST IN SINGAPORE!!!

whatever. accept my fate.

2008-05-24T11:42:00.002+08:00

FOR NUTS SAKE STOP TELLING ME TO GO TO FUCKING ADM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

accepting in denial

2008-05-23T22:00:00.002+08:00

Shangyi

what kills me the most is having to send you off alone.

To know that you're there alone,

to know that i have to stay here and not have you around..

that i have to lose a dream

and the presence of one of my closest and dearest friends

all at the same time..

i'm really sorry i can't go with you.

meanwhile. i have to started to face reality..accept it and live it, cos if i dunt i'd just be totally miserable fer the rest of my life..and i dunt deserve to be..cos lotsa good things have happened to me before, so i dunt deserve to be miserable.

i find going to work an excellent remedy for my pain. when i'm alone it escalates, when i'm with family, i only feel the unreasonable resentment towards them, when i'm at work, i'm distracted, i'm working, there are people who dunt noe what i'm going through cos i dunt show it, so they treat me normally. there is laughter and joy when i'm there, so my heartache vanishes for a while and everything seems rosey..the moment i'm alone again, i break.

My dearest friends, just let me emo fer a while..meanwhile, i really don't want to talk about it. and i honestly dunt feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone. it's nothing against anybody, i just don't feel like.. communicating..

.........

2008-05-23T08:11:00.002+08:00

what do i do now..

yesterday was horrible. i cried twice, as in really cried, not just like a silent tear, but like bawling? once after i received that email and another time before i slept. the 2nd time was cause when i came home from dinner, i thought my parents would want to discuss some kind of possible solution with me. but when i came home they were out, so i though mebe they went out to do something which was to do with my problem. but turned out..they went out to buy a kettle. at such a time, they went all the way out.. to buy a kettle.. so nvm, mebe i was beinga little conceited, but after i thought, surely they would talk to me bout it..but my dad came up and looked at me and said,

"well..we gave it a shot..dunt be too upset"

my mum didn't say anything. then they went to bathe. and i thought, ok, i'll wait here a bit longer, mebe they're thinking bout what to say. so i waited till they were all done bathing and changing and whatever and still just silence. mum readher book, dad was looking at some restauraunt article. so i tried bringing it up and asked them, how does a student loan work? my mum explained a lil and then kpt quiet again. i sat a while more, waiting, flipping the newspaper but not reading it..then i just left the room..cos i guess..they din intend to say anything.

it's funny how i can expct my parents to be able to say something which could make me feel better but they say things that only make me feel worse. or worse...then dunt say anything. it's like...they've accepted so quickly, before even i can accept, that i would jus have to take my backup and go to NUS FASS. save them the effort and the cost of going through the trouble to take up a loan, to pay it back. i guess i'm just not worth all that trouble.

it's my life..so nobody cares as much about it except me..not even my parents. nobody gives a shit whether i'm happy studying what i'm study where i'm studying fer 4 years. because i gave it all that i could fer the scholarship, i didn't make it, therefore i should just accept it as something which wasn't meant to be. no point exploring alternatives...

bleeding anxiety

2008-05-21T12:52:00.002+08:00

all this anxiety makes me ill.

i'm praying everynight now. makes me realise how bad a christian i've been.i would think that that's what happens to lotsa christians, or maybe it's a ppl thing in general. only to really pray when they need something, when they want something.it's really bad..and i'm guilty.

my nights have been rough also. i'm still a littly ill from the throat infection. now i've got a seriously runny nose and cough. it literally leaks like a faucet..like my head would be down and plop it goes. haha. dun mean to gross u out. then at night i'd have these ridiculous nose bleeds..i might be losing serious amounts of blood..maybe i'll die. *shrugs

i changed my blogskin due to the following reasons:

it reminds me of London too much, thus making me more excited bout it, thus making any possible disapointment harder to bare
it's lame since i probably won't get the chance to go anyway..

i'm trying to stay optimistic, but i feel that if i let myself be too optimistic, that it just won't happen. cos generally if i expect something to happen it usually doesn't. that's my curse..

daddy also subscribed to lotsa new cable channels which just came into operation yesterday. i watched E! entertainment channel all night long and all morning long..i suspect i'll tire of it soon. o well..that's it fer this episode update of my pathetic boring life.

SeeYa

please god please

2008-05-18T23:06:00.003+08:00

oh Lord please.

Please God please.

i've been sick fer the last two days. blessed that it came and gone really quickly though i was really quite deathly ill on the first night. i think it was because of the news from moe lo..was on the verge of illness already but that really just threw me off entirely. was really pretty upset, but all hope is not yet lost..i did my appeal up quickly, and now my fate really lies in the hands of a miss farhanah ikram, and in the hands of god.

i prayed a lot of times before. i requested that, if things were really not meant to be, then just let it not be meant right from the start. if i'm not meant to go to london, then i shouldn't have gotten the call from goldsmiths, i shouldn't have gotten in, i shouldn't have gotten the call from moe, i just shouldn't have gotten anything from the start, cos that would only give me hope, and build my expectations and anticipations, and i've gotten through everything that i needed to to get to london, the grades, the uni offer, just that one more thing, just that scholarship, and i'd be going, that was the last thing. and this had to happen. why, can i ask, must i be pulled pulled pulled higher and higher only to be smacked right down again. why should i have worked so hard to go when in the end it'd all been fer nothing anyway..

am i not meant to study art?

then what were my years in NY for?

Why did i even get into NY AEP?

and why do i feel with all my heart and soul that art is the only thing that should be studying?

please don't torture me. you can scold me fer expecting too much, wanting too much, complaining too much. but the honest truth is. if my appeal fails, i'd be devastated. utterly and totally, devasted, distraught and depressed. ever had a dream and hope crushed, torn, mangled till it's unrecognisable..? i sure as hell dunt wanna noe what it's like. but i just might..

an ode to 'now'

2008-05-14T23:25:00.003+08:00

everything's not going as planned, as hoped, as dreamt

we're not getting what we want

our moods are all over the place

our relationships are fragile and cracking

our hearts are never free

never unburdened

our minds never clear

our souls never at peace

all we need is some assurance

some approval

some sign that everything will be ok

days promised to be rosey

nights sworn to be calm

all we need is some peace

peace of mind

what the hell is wrong with the world

oh gord...

2008-05-14T10:16:00.002+08:00

oh god..shangyi.

i hope you're ok...