i don't know how to read all these things. if i should take all this as signs? the gut feelings, the new opportunities - i just don't know how to take it. i don't want to be hurt again, disappointed. we all know how hard that all was. to pray and pray and hope and hope and pray, and to have everything just...crumble into obliterate. made me hate god..i still find it hard to talk to him. to feel good in church..to feel like he cares. i feel bad..cos i know i should never feel this way about god..but..i'm selfish. we all are. and we blame god for taking away something that means so much to us..whether an object, a person, a loved one, or just, a hope and dream. and i would ask - if god already has some preconceived plan for each and everyone of us..then why even bother praying for something that may or may not be in the plan?!?!?! we should just let it all unfold....whether we like it or not. or maybe we aren't supposed to pray for anything. suddenly, i feel like a pawn on a huge chess board.

i go back to NY and see the juniors doing their art, and i'm reminded of what i lost. i can't believe i'm not pusuing art..something which i thought i was my calling. i can't believe i'm learning things which i don't care for. call me spoilt, but i never thought that i would be in such a position. after i worked so hard..i can't believe...i still can't study what i WANT.

so this is what i've decided. every opportunity that is put before me. i will go for, with all the strength i have left. as long as there's even the dimmest glimmer of hope for me to attain my dreams, i will run for it, suffer for it, die for it. even if it means..disappointment, loss, devastation, which may manifest even stronger and deeper than before, so much that it might kill me.. i will not give up till i have worn out every possiblity..because i want this. i want this so bad.

and what about god? i do not know. all i will know is that he works in mysterious ways. i can look at this in 2 ways. ONE, he meant for my road to attaining this dream to be filled with obstacles and disappointment, with rocks and hills to jump and sorrow and heartache to overcome, he meant for me to achieve my dream with great difficulty..though in the end, he still meant for me to reach it. TWO, the dream is my dream, it's not in the plan, and my going for opportunity will only end badly once again, and thus proving that my dream was not meant to be part of my life's plan. the fact is..i will never know which of these 2 it is..so me trying to predict the outcome, is plain useless.

i will still reach for the dream. even when with every passing second, the dream seems more and more distant and unattainable. my hope wavers..my heart - never. i will not settle for less than what i deserve. i refuse to be ordinary.

like i said - the sky inspires me

have a thing fer perspective recently

lately,
i find my inspiration in the sky.
inspiration for what?
i don't really know.
all i know is that if i see a beautiful sky,
i have to take a photograph.
reminds me of god.
reminds me that there's a heaven.
the sky is a paradox of constancy and change -
it's always there, but never the same.

so it's been raining a lot these days. almost everyday. which makes me all happy, cause i love the melancholy of dark skies, wind which smells like rain, and of course, the pitter patter. gives me a sense of momentary calm..which really only lasts fer like a second, before i have to go back to reading coursetexts..poo. sometimes i think, i should be a vampire..ahaha.






yea. so i'm missing my slackerish life. i'm dreading tutorials..especially those that i'm alone for..namely soci and new media. and they want us to do 'show and tell' for new media?!?!?! WHAT the HELL! bring an item which represents who u are as a person. hmmm...aren't we a bit old fer show and tell? seriously. my brother says it's good, gives ppl a chance to be thick skin and talk about themselves (cos ppl LOVE to talk about themselves..selfish pricks). maybe that's true..but i dun think anybody appreciates talking about themselves in front of a class of bored strangers, all too sleepy at 8am to give a shit. gar gar gar. it's only fun for the teacher..cos then they dun have to talk, stress the students out, waste time. i KNOW the tricks..groupwork, group presentations?!?! it's all nasty agenda to relief the teacher's work load! -.-''

ahaha..feel so insightful.

this is LT 27

Psyhology lecture is held here. and it's so screwed up because it's at FOS(Faculty of Science) when psychology is obviously a social science module. so WHY is the lecture at the other end of the campus?!?!?!?! i dunch noe! so those poor suckers who have lecture or tutorial rite b4 psych lec have to fly over..sad sad life. hopefully they noe the bus routes well enough to not get lost. not like me..yesterday took the wrong bus all the way to the other side of the campus. was later fer lecture of course.

♥ with love, meow

Saturday, August 23, 2008 ♥

Last posted@10:25 PM

sometimes i have to wonder

are my friends really my friends

do they love me as much as i love them

who is true and who isn't

who will be there for me when it matters

if i knew the answers to all these questions

i might not be left with even a handful of ppl

how many is a handful anyway..

5?

so less than a handful would be..

1? 2?

they say human beings are social creatures

so why do i feel so alone

why do i feel so insignificant all the time

what IS the point of life..

and why is it worth a damn to live it..

been feeling damn disgusting lately. i think it's 'PMS'..which lately is rare..cos i haven't been blessed with my 'M' for a long time. it's the stress. 2008 sucks shit. it's the suckiest year ever..and did i mention, that it'll probably get suckier in 2009, 2010 and yes, up to 2012..which may be the end of the world..and if it is..i'll be damn pissed that the last 4 years of my existence were the suckiest ever.

aha aha. i'm probably gonna get scolded for emo entries again. but it's my blog. i say what i want when i feel it. u noe that ppl are most honest when they're drunk, and when they're on their blog. that's just my own theory btw..but i think it makes sense.

argh. and just for kicks. i'll post some lame pictures:

this is LT11 of FASS

these are my sociology lecturers

this is tze in her 'bad blueberry' t-shirt

this is tze pretending to eat my banana pencil case

these are the pair of nike dunks i bought today

♥ with love, meow

Wednesday, August 20, 2008 ♥

Last posted@10:45 AM

university life -->> a constant state of stress and mugging

WOW!

look at the big big hole i have dug for myself!

WOW!

oh no wait!

i didn't intend to dig this hole, did i?

it was MOE!

i was FORCED!

AGAINST MY WILL!

to dig this big big hole!

oh to not love what u're studying..

that's 4 years..

4 years in a big big hole.

no light, no air.

4 years of my life..

in a stupid hole.

woop di doo..

♥ with love, meow

Monday, August 18, 2008 ♥

Last posted@9:26 PM

today at new media lecture, we talked about the history of the INTERNET or, as it was formally known - ARPANET. so now, i have a whole new perpective when i'm doing stuff on the net, and i start to really appreciate and notice the wonderssss that have been acheived from almost 50 years ago up till now! who new that 'hyperlinks' were such a big deal! now i know...they ARE. 50 years ago, it would take a computer whiz and genius to research information on the net, and now...it's honestly idiot proof! anybody can do it, and it's so easy...thanks to the innovation of HYPERLINKS~~~woot!! and now i noe what all those strange letters mean! 'IP' means 'internet protocol', 'www' stands for 'world wide web', 'html' stands for 'hypertext mark up language', 'http' stands for 'hypertext transfer protocol'!!! ahh...how strangely knowledgeable i feel..though..i'm still not exactly sure as to what i'm studying..

lecturer is this ang moh guy with a foreign accent which was quite hard to understand..and he likes to ask random questions, ask fer examples fer everything and anyhow point at ppl to answer..he said he will tend to pick ppl with bright shirts man..so looks like have to wear blendy dull wallflower colours every monday. OH..no BROWN either....cos today he picked two ppl wearing brown..so i guess he must like that colour. lol. but..he is quite borin..

me and sook then went to vivo during our 4 hour break to eat and shop a lil. we should have been studyin i must admit..but..haha..enjoy b4 tutorials begin, then we wun ever get to do such stuff anymore.

PSYCH lecturer is also an ang moh, but i think he is british. thank god he doesn't have a thick british accent..in fact..i think he sounds like his accent is becomin 'singaporeanised'. he was lecturing on biological psych today...which basically is no different from studying the brain in bio. he admitted that none of the lecturers really wanted to teach biological psych, cos they noe that the students hate it(since most of us are art students, thus we're not scientifically inclined). i duno whether he is borin or mebe it's just the content that he is teaching that makes him appear borin..but..the buzz in the lecture hall was louder than usual that's fer sure..had the strong urge to shout out "SHUDDUP LA!" but of course...i would never.

took some sights of school with my phone(which i learnt in new media is an example of convergence - cause ur phone isn't just a phone anymore, it's a camera too!) argh! social science subs really help u see things in a diff light! it's cool!

the music conservatory

random sky after psych lec

2008 gala opening concert

robert redford, kiri te kanawa, veinna boys choir, academies festival orchestra

18th october

esplanade concert hall

WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME?

♥ with love, meow

Friday, August 15, 2008 ♥

Last posted@9:24 PM

lotsa trees have been murdered on my behalf

So, the first week of school at NUS is over now..and i wouldn't exactly say that i'm through the 'break-in period', since i only went school like 3 days this week..which really was the whole plan to begin with! to have a 3 day week! but...since my dear fwens zinc and snail, are too lazy to join me fer tutorials on wednesday morning, i finally gave in to putting socio tutorial on TUESDAY...which totally ruins my beautiful timetable..sian.

i think that so far, my modules are all pretty interesting, except maybe south asia. it seems a lil bit dry fer me..and i just know that i will have much much much difficulty remembering the names of stuff - like places, ppl, terms - soooo...haish..better than lit though...that one was really...ahhh..to put in plainly, when the lecturer was talking, what was going through my mind was literally: "ajvvbjkadffnvhIUH(#*rhefvjnd*&^$*#^kjfjhskakjasfiusaufyf9Dfd7f6dD%^DS^&F*asdg". btw..it's not swearin or anything....my mind was a jumbled confused mess..yea. New Media was ok..though still not sure exactly what we're gonna be studying, psych was very interesting! to me at least...others found it borin and weird. socio was ok...the lecturer talk like bullet train..but had the most notes to take down out of all the mods fer the first lecture. finally..Singapore studies..sounds very interesting..lotsa stuff the lecturer brought up which i've thought about a lot before...like singapore POLITICS and stuff...MUAHA..the lecturer is also super super super lame and quite anal. but funny man.

zinc accompanied me to singapore society lecture today...cos if not i would be all alone fer it..and we were playing some stupid thing with our web cams...taking screen shots and all that..as seen below:

we also bought most of our course texts and course packs..i've got them all already except the singapore society one. man....carry until siao la..i think my shoulder is lop-sided now..horrible la! the text and readings are like sooooooooo thick...and it's not just thick please...like...they print TWO pages per side of paper...and the words are like SO SO SO FREAGIN SMALL!!!!!

and this is like only fer one semester...*diex

but anyway...changing subject fer a while..SINGAPORE TABLE TENNIS GIRLS TEAMS GOING INTO FINALS MAN!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOT!!!!! go singapore go! go singapore go! Feng T W is like super super super pro! though the korean girl she was fightin against was also very pro...her defense was like...WAaaaahHhhHHhhhh. none the lesss, SINGAPORE WON!!! and gorsh...they're gonna be fighting cheena china! but it's so interestin...because the singapore team...including the coach...are like...all from china..sooooooo..haha..shan't say more. i'm not expecting singapore to win gold of course..that of course would go to china...as it ALWAYS does. but i do believe in miracles. =)

♥ with love, meow

Sunday, August 10, 2008 ♥

Last posted@9:06 PM

i think this test is really quite accurate..it's kinda cool. i really wonder how they can figure out ppl's personalities with all these weird questions..maybe i'll learn about it in psych! oh...and TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AT NUS!!! HOW EXCITED AM I!!!!! hehehehe.

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.


The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.


Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.


The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.


Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.


The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.


How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.


What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.


Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.



take the test too!
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

♥ with love, meow

Friday, August 8, 2008 ♥

Last posted@12:37 PM

i designed my own shoe fer school!

thinking that we might start a business - custom designing head to toe apparel. =)

happy birthday to you

♥ with love, meow

Tuesday, August 5, 2008 ♥

Last posted@11:29 PM

WHO IS TAKING ENGLISH LIT 1101 AT NUS?!?!?!?!?!

PLEASE LEAVE ME A TAG!!!!!!

i hate being all alone for lectures
tutorials too..

so just now was at EXPO with shang and seow watching high school musical on ice. we had free tickets through shang's connections at SPH. working for all these media companies sure is coool, get lotsa awesome freebies..and always get some of the best seats. ours was like front view 3rd row from the front..so could see very clearly.

i would just like to comment on the ridiculous singaporean behaviour at such shows. the show started on time, which is excellent, but bladdy singaporeans were still streaming in like herds of sheep..and those herds like only started to diminish like at least 15 minutes into the show!!! like what the hell is wrong with these ppl...and to make matters worse, they stand right in front of others, don't sit in the seats allocated to them, rather try and STEAL better seats which they THINK are empty, then are forced to move after, thus, they have to stand up again, and block ppl's view!!! there was this stupid ol' aunty who was like standing in front of us fer like 5 minutes...WHILE THE SHOW WAS ALREADY GOING ON!!!!!! OMG!!!! i mean, i'm not a perfect model citizen or what, but such behaviour just makes me wanna roll up some some newspaper and bludger these ppl to death...

the same goes for ppl who stand and talk right in the middle of the coridoor, in front of escalator landings and other crowded spaces. as well as ppl who walk so freagin damn slow on a busy pathway..HELL lor..what's wrong with this country..OHYEA!! AND PPL WHO SPIT ALL OVER THE PLACE IN PUBLIC, EVEN IF IT IS INTO A DUSTBIN!!! at the expo, we were walking when this stupid ol aunty starting coughing up her bodily shit, making that disgusting scratchy sound like she's about to cough up a hairball, and then she spat into the dustbin, and we saw the shit like bloop outta her mouth... i swear, i almost puked.. like...DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE PLEASE!!! IN THE TOILET, INTO A TISSUE...have some decency.

argh..ok. so all that aside, the show was pretty nice...though ppl who have never seen the movie might have a little trouble following..'troy' fell down a few times, but he covers it really welll...as though the fall was intended. haha..they must practice how to cover falls. yea..but it was nice. full of kids..corny dialogue..but nice. =)

♥ with love, meow

Friday, August 1, 2008 ♥

Last posted@11:52 AM

i hate bidding for modules...
gets ppl so stressed out before school even starts.
DAMN YOU NUS BIDDING SYSTEM!!!

here are the modules i hope to get:
1. communications, new media and society
2. introduction to psychology
3. making sense of society
4. south asia: people, culture and development
5. Singapore society

so far, no. of bidders has exceeded vacancy count for no. 1, 2 and 4. Thus, there will be ppl who will not get the module..and i really do not want to be one of those ppl man. PLEASE!!! if i dun get one of the modules, it means my 3 day timetable will be screwed up!!! oh man..stressed like shit..will noe results by tonight..argh.

♥ with love, meow

cathleen

NUS FASS freshy
turning 20 this 12th July

ARTIST

desperately seeking
FREEDOM
PURPOSE
LIFE

lament.

maybe in some other time
some other place

inspire.

though we travel the world over the find the beautiful
we must carry it with us or we find it not

the sky.

www.flickr.com

a perfect paradox of constancy and change
always there but never the same

i love.

family
buddie baby
precious friends

LONDON

i must down to the seas again
to the lonely sea and sky
and all i ask
is a tall ship and star
to steer her by

talk to me.

i carry your heart.

e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go,
my dear;
and whatever is done
by only me
is your doing,
my darling

i fear no fate
for you are my fate,
my sweet
i want no world
for beautiful you are my world,
my true
and it's you are
whatever a moon
has always meant
and whatever a sun
will always sing
is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky
of a tree called life;
which grows higher
than the soul can hope
or mind can hide
and this is the wonder
that's keeping the stars apart.

i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart

angels.

cheng hong
claudyne
esther
inn poh
janice
joan
kai ying
mandy
seow ling
sara
serene
shangyi
sook chan
tze yin
xian min
xinli
zhixin

aep blog

listen.

here
there is love



Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.

It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.

love never fails


Corinthians 1:4-7

the history.

December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
May 2009
June 2009

thanks.

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