Saturday, August 30, 2008 ♥
Last posted@9:43 PM
do you believe in second chances?
if something in ur gut just makes u feel like something ain't right.
then...
opportunity comes knocking again.
when the first time it came,
you somehow managed to screw it over.
i don't know how to read all these things. if i should take all this as signs? the gut feelings, the new opportunities - i just don't know how to take it. i don't want to be hurt again, disappointed. we all know how hard that all was. to pray and pray and hope and hope and pray, and to have everything just...crumble into obliterate. made me hate god..i still find it hard to talk to him. to feel good in church..to feel like he cares. i feel bad..cos i know i should never feel this way about god..but..i'm selfish. we all are. and we blame god for taking away something that means so much to us..whether an object, a person, a loved one, or just, a hope and dream. and i would ask - if god already has some preconceived plan for each and everyone of us..then why even bother praying for something that may or may not be in the plan?!?!?! we should just let it all unfold....whether we like it or not. or maybe we aren't supposed to pray for anything. suddenly, i feel like a pawn on a huge chess board.
i go back to NY and see the juniors doing their art, and i'm reminded of what i lost. i can't believe i'm not pusuing art..something which i thought i was my calling. i can't believe i'm learning things which i don't care for. call me spoilt, but i never thought that i would be in such a position. after i worked so hard..i can't believe...i still can't study what i WANT.
so this is what i've decided. every opportunity that is put before me. i will go for, with all the strength i have left. as long as there's even the dimmest glimmer of hope for me to attain my dreams, i will run for it, suffer for it, die for it. even if it means..disappointment, loss, devastation, which may manifest even stronger and deeper than before, so much that it might kill me.. i will not give up till i have worn out every possiblity..because i want this. i want this so bad.
and what about god? i do not know. all i will know is that he works in mysterious ways. i can look at this in 2 ways. ONE, he meant for my road to attaining this dream to be filled with obstacles and disappointment, with rocks and hills to jump and sorrow and heartache to overcome, he meant for me to achieve my dream with great difficulty..though in the end, he still meant for me to reach it. TWO, the dream is my dream, it's not in the plan, and my going for opportunity will only end badly once again, and thus proving that my dream was not meant to be part of my life's plan. the fact is..i will never know which of these 2 it is..so me trying to predict the outcome, is plain useless.
i will still reach for the dream. even when with every passing second, the dream seems more and more distant and unattainable. my hope wavers..my heart - never. i will not settle for less than what i deserve. i refuse to be ordinary.
like i said - the sky inspires me
have a thing fer perspective recently
♥ with love, meow
